CoCo & Co.

thanks

2010-11-24T19:29:00.002-05:00

Days like this have been few and far between lately, so, I guess it makes sense that I was due for one. Today, I feel totally useless and talentless. I feel like a drain on society. I feel like I'll only ever be qualified for a part-time job as a secretary. (Did I mention I LOST MY STUDENT'S GRADES?) In short, I feel pretty crappy. Probably because I started looking at MSLIS programs again, and it became overwhelming. Regardless, I've decided to counter this new bout of blue thoughts with sunny thanksgiving. Here goes:

Today, I'm thankful for:
the best, most fun family ever.
a genuinely nice, honest, and jovial husband (who cooked me dinner last night!).
the upcoming christmas season.
a roof, running water, and a warm place to sleep.
my jobs.
a car that works.
zero wedding debt.
a sunny day.
friends who like being friends with me.
health! vigor! (vim?)

I do. I feel better. Honest!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Remember to be thankful, because there's so much to give thanks for.

nanowrimo!

2010-11-09T10:27:00.002-05:00

I just like saying "nanowrimo."

Here's what I don't like: realizing that every time I try to write any fiction it comes out seeming either half-assed or a lot like an autobiography. Why can't I just make stuff up without it sounding like crap, or worse, without it sounding forced.

That's okay, because the joy of nanowrimo is that you just write. It's impossible to worry about the nitty-gritty "I sound like a phony, I don't want Holden Caufield to hate me," business, because you've only got THIRTY DAYS to write 50,000 words. So it's just all a bunch of crap, anyway.

I am having fun exploring characters, and learning from them about what they do and where they go. Sometimes they do things that I definitely did not anticipate, so that's exciting. It's also annoying, because things start getting...different...than what I originally planned on. That's where the forcedness comes in, I guess. Sorry! Just trying to stick to my purpose! I imagine my characters rolling their eyes.

Also, holy dark, Batman! I guess I just have a thing for melodrama.

livejournal

2010-10-27T18:46:00.002-04:00

So...my livejournal posts are about 800-times smarter and are more well-written than these.

I guess I have some things to think about, then. Maybe I should ditch this and move back to LJ. It kind of reminds me of how I've gotten progressively dumber the longer I've stayed in academia.

Maybe I just need to post more often.

In other news: NANOWRIMO! National Novel Writing Month fast approaches, and I'm actually going to try and do it this year. The goal is to write 50,000 words by November 30th. So, it's a novel-writing frenzy, and as you might imagine, most of the novels that are spewed forth from NaNoWriMo are complete crap. Still, I think any writing effort is worth, well, the effort, and it's all in good fun. So, if you're doing it, be my writing friend! My username is cocobutter.

t-minus 5

2010-10-25T18:58:00.002-04:00

I've been going back and forth this past week between utter joy and total confusion. When did this happen? How? And more importantly, why?

So, in homage to the great institution of Marriage, and also in a final attempt at self-reassurance, I've decided to compile my thoughts on an oft-contested way of life:

1. I think marriage should be between two people who love each other unconditionally, and who come to the mutual agreement that they want to spend and build their lives together. And that's pretty much my only criteria (of course there are caveats...like no creepy kidnappers who want to marry 13-year-old girls, for example).

2. Yes, 50% of people who get married get divorced. But we don't know all the details. And according to this, 75% of people who divorce get re-married. That tells me one thing: marriage is worth the trouble. Otherwise, more people who were divorced would swear off it for good. I'm not celebrating that so many marriages end with a divorce, but I AM celebrating the fact that there must have been enough good within the institution itself that they gave it another try.

3. I find the idea of sharing my life with someone else endlessly exhilerating. All that learning, growing, and changing that happens between two people is certainly what I would consider a positive aspect to marriage. The idea of having a built-in best friend is so fantastic to me!

4. We've become a people of instant gratification and low-commitment. People say that a lot, but think about how true it is: we're channel-surfing TiVo-ers, we'll buy pre-peeled potatoes and pre-cut celery, at a restaurant we'd like our food to be presented to us without delay, and we really just hate to be in one place for too long. We are seldom in silence, or solitude. Car leases allow us to trade up every couple years. We have short memories (you probably haven't thought much about BP lately...neither have I!). What a challenge, then, for us to make this promise: that we will love someone for as long as we live (read: until we're dead). We're confronted with so few real challenges anymore! It's refreshing to have to try and work at something, especially when we think it's worth the effort. There's a kind of glory in continuity (not to be sappy (PUN!), but it's not unlike being around for a long time to watch a tree you planted grow into something fruit-bearing or shade-producing).

5. I was fortunate to grow up with an excellent model for a good marriage. My parents are not perfect, and they sometimes get angry with each other. There have been times that one has hurt the other. But, those times are often followed by peaceful apologies. They have always been loving toward us and loving toward each other. I know that they have made many sacrifices and compromises--shock!--but it is only through sacrifice that they have been able to cultivate a constant mutual love and understanding. I hope my marriage is as loving and happy (and fun and light-hearted!) as theirs.

That's probably about it. I'm not married yet, but it is for the above reasons that I can't wait. I'm up for the challenge! I'm ready to live a life of purpose!

And for what it's worth, I think everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is capable of the kind of lasting, loving, selfless relationship I'm talking about here. I think everyone should get the opportunity to scream it from the rooftops, or to get it printed in his or her local paper (see here).

good-bye, gladys.

2010-10-04T20:08:00.002-04:00

Well, that's the end of her. Gladys is dead, and the proceeds are benefitting NHPR (I think). With her leaky trunk, rusted spare, broken passenger-side window, wilted ceiling, dented side, seized calipers, and broken radio, you'd think I'd be doing leaps for joy! Well, you'd think right. But first I had a moment of silence in that old hunk of metal.

I thanked her for not breaking down until I pulled into my driveway.

I yelled at the chipmunks that tried to make a home in her engine.

I lovingly gave her a last, thorough vacuuming.

Together we sat in silence, as I reminisced about our days traveling to Vermont, New York, and Maine.

I turned the reading lamps on and off.

When I came home today from Manchester--my not-so-distant-future home--she was gone.

...moving on. Did you hear I bought a new car? :)

swoop me!

2010-09-20T18:15:00.002-04:00

Mondays are lame. Today was a totally gorgeous day and what did I do? Well, actually I finished commenting on some drafts, e-mailed students, packed up my books, took a shower, watched Sailor Moon (HAHAHA, sometimes you just get a hankering), and then went to work.

Now that I think of it, today's been pretty productive. I also looked at my bank account just in time to transfer money from one account to the other before it got overdrawn! I would consider that a success, for certain.

On a different note, and relating to my last post, I went to church this past Sunday. It was mysterious all right...and boring. Really boring. What? I'm human. Anyway, I blame it on the deacon, who is a terrible public speaker.

Spirtual thoughts...

2010-09-13T18:07:00.002-04:00

I've been reading my friend Bryan's blog a lot lately, and it has me thinking about my take on religious life.

I guess I'd be more apt in calling it an irreligious life.

Here's the truth, right to the point: In college I decided I didn't quite believe that Jesus was the Messiah. A cool guy, maybe, with a nice message and words to live by, but whether God literally sent him to be our savior is something I'm not convinced of. So, that's an issue. Also, I am what might be described as a bad Catholic.

I find myself struggling with my Catholicism a lot lately because of the colliding forces of the blogosphere, my impending nuptials, and Natural Family Planning (endorsed by the Couple to Couple League, a Catholic entity). It's good to remind yourself of why you do things every once in a while.

I have a primal urge to raise my children in a traditional, Catholic manner. It's my culture, it's my people. I want them to march solemnly in white down the aisle for their First Communions, just as badly as I want them to anxiously wrack their brains for something to confess when first confronted with the Sacrament of Penance. The whole process of Catholicism is not unlike running the gauntlet, with many trials on the way to salvation. But that's what's so great! Salvation is earned, it's not a free pass. You want forgiveness? You have to ask somebody, and you have to be really sorry. You'll actually have to prove how sorry you are. That's where the Hail Marys come in (at least, that's what they say in the movies). I like that. It's all about action, and hopefully, sincerity.

Don't get me started on the mystery of it all. The Catholic Church, I'm sure, prides itself on its sense of mystery and suspense. Ceremonial gowns, candlelit altars, drifting incense. It's such a production, such a show of faith. The bell rings in the tower at the precise moment when the wine makes it miraculous transformation into blood. As the congregations kneels before Christ's body, the choir begins its melodic peals on cue. You almost expect a curtain to lift, and the cast to come out, bowing emphatically for the grand finale.

Eventually all this, the chanting, singing, kneeling, praying, it all becomes rote. Somewhere, something is lost. The meaning of the Word floats somewhere above the incense, impossible for parishioners to grasp. But even then, it's still okay, because this weekly repetition is itself a form of prayer: it is meditation, losing yourself and your consciousness in the motions; it's a kind of unthinking, undoing. It is a way to be present in the moment.

I remember when I was a senior in high school, my English teacher, Mrs. Mountford, was describing a poem to us. I don't remember the poem, but I remember the direction of the discussion: Christianity, and the body of Christ. She said, "Think about that for a minute...eating the body of Christ." The thought struck me: I was a cannibal, and so was everyone in my family. It only felt outdated, though. Just a remnant of our collective mysterious past. I knew it was only bread and wine. I felt smarter than the Eucharist.

While all that pomp might be problematic for my non-Catholic friends, for me, it's a source of solace and comfort. While the world continues to spiral into chaos, here are the Roman Catholics, holding on to their traditions for dear life. It's life-affirming. It's cozy continuity. It's coffee and doughnuts in the church basement.

So, while I might have a hundred problems with Catholicism, for me, it's the cultural aspect that is a constant draw. It's ethnic, in some way. It's living out my Italian/French-Canadian heritage. I don't feel guilty that I'm not a perfect Catholic. I've never felt guilty about skipping church or swearing. Either I'm too demonic to feel good old fashioned Catholic guilt, or I just don't think there's any to be had. Guilt is what you make of it. The only time I ever feel guilty is when I'm in the presence of some other kind of Christian and they make it a point to talk about "Christianity" as if it is the opposite of "Catholicism." I don't think they're the opposite. But for some reason, I just keep on feeling guilty about BEING Catholic. Like it's a dirty thing to be, like I'm somehow unworthy. Like I don't really know what's going on--as if my Christian identity is lost in a fog of incense. It's guilt I'm never quite prepared to bear, and I resent it. Part of the guilt is really just paranoia, but I resent that, too. Maybe resentment is the new guilt?

epidermal vanities

2010-09-09T13:56:00.003-04:00

My skin is breaking out. And not into song.

All along my jaw line I've been getting these deep, painful pimples that just will not go away. They are large red bumps that hurt like the dickens! I've decided to try something other than wishing them away.

Despite my initial nerves surrounding salicylic acid (I was afraid I'd be allergic to it), I decided to buy Aveeno Clear Complexion. The ridiculous price of $14.99 actually seemed cheap compared to other cleansing products in the same aisle (who pays $30.00 for face wash?!), so I figured I'd give it a whirl. The Aveeno brand seems like a very gentle, earthy face wash (I'm sure it's neither, but I'm a sucker for good marketing). I used it this morning, and so far, no ill-effects.

Hopefully the ol' pimple chin-strap will clear up by the time the wedding rolls around.

profesora!

2010-09-08T18:41:00.003-04:00

Well, well, well. Back in the saddle, as they (who?) say.

It feels good to be doing something substantial again, even if it is teaching college composition to a bunch of teenagers who don't really want to be there. I had only a slight hint of nervousness as I entered the classroom this morning, and it had pretty much disappeared by the time I opened my mouth.

As usual, I made myself look like an idiot on day one. It's fine. I read a lot of Emerson to them today. I wanted to get them excited about learning! Excited about themselves! Excited about their potential as the centers of their own universes! I saw some shining faces, so it worked on a couple of them, at least. One girl did say, "Um, we spent a lot of time reading Transcendentalists in high school so...I pretty much know a lot about it." And I wanted to scream, "THAT'S NOT THE POINT." But I didn't.

I get more out of Emerson every single time I read him. Today was no different. How controversial to exclaim that YOU are the center of the universe, and not God. What freedom (and with it, responsibility). It's definitely egocentric--I guess that's kind of the meaning of the word--but I don't read it as selfish. It's more like communion with the great web of brain-waves that exists in the world. By understanding yourself, and having confidence in your ability to make your own decisions and change your own mind, you understand others. Understanding others means that ultimately, you have the power to know everything. I want to cry just thinking about it.

My other class, Intro to English II (a.k.a. Remedial Composition Skills) went just as swimmingly. The students seemed engaged, and I managed to hold them for the whole two hours. We started right off the bat with a lot of freewriting, list-making, peer-responding...and I think it got them in the spirit. I did not read them Emerson.

Actually, maybe I should have. That's elitist of me, to think that the Intro students wouldn't appreciate the sentiments of my favorite T-ist (or Transcy, if you prefer). I'm guilty of playing into the stereotypes. Well, that's it. Friday, I'm reading them some poetry to make up for it. Whitman, anyone?

I made them call me Professor Condo. I feel like I'm getting away with something illegal. Tee hee!

jinx!

2010-08-19T13:42:00.002-04:00

I jinxed Sal!

I wrote that sad post about lonely old Sal, and now he has to quit work because (surprise!) his dad is ill and he has to live with him and be his full-time caregiver.

Sal's life does not QUIT with the sad-making.

On the plus side, Sal gave me half of his chicken BLT last night. The bacon was delicious.

Also! One week until new apartment move-in! Well, technical move-in. I won't really be living there until after the weddin' day.

Salogna

2010-08-16T10:35:00.002-04:00

Meet Sal. Sal is a lonely 30-year-old who works for his brother's landscaping business. He used to have a girlfriend, but she dumped him when, after seven years, he refused to propose marriage. At night, Sal works at a local college as a secretary, hoping that it'll allow him to take a few more classes for free. Someday, Sal would like to be a big-time business man. For now, Sal answers the phone in a professional and pleasant tone and brings in tootsie rolls for his coworker.

Sal makes me sad.

Sal also kind of freaks me out, especially when he confirmed my half-joking suspicion that there might be "spirits" dwelling in the building.

5 things to do when you have nothing to do (workplace edition)

2010-08-03T18:37:00.003-04:00

1. get a list of to-do's from a supervisor or co-worker. it always feels good to have a task, and doing it well means you might get some brownie points. not to mention it makes the time go by faster.

2. check the supply closet. everybody hates doing it, and, while nobody will notice that you've restocked the paper supply or filled some empty staplers, the workplace will run smoother and be more enjoyable.

3. consider redecorating. if you have some down-time, try downloading a calendar template online and plugging it in with important work or personal dates. add fun pictures or colors. print and post in your cube or office. you'll feel like you did something worthwhile, because you did...it's all in the name of remaining organized!

4. wash away the grime. run through a list of people who have touched your office phone, keyboard, desk, stapler, or pens. consider disinfecting said items. seeing you do this may inspire others to do the same, and if you're not all healthier for it, well, at least you get the satisfaction of seeing all the dirt that got lifted off the number pad.

5. give a warm hello. record, or re-record, your voicemail greetings. if you can, make yourself smile while doing it--people will notice how nice you seem, without ever meeting you.

all i want is a room somewhere...

2010-07-20T08:56:00.001-04:00

3 second update: found a new job or two, car broke down, wedding in three months, looking for a decent apartment.

It's the last bit that has me apprehensive.

I think looking for a nice apartment in an area you like for a price you can afford is just downright difficult. Now, if I were looking in Dover, or Portsmouth, or somewhere cool, finding an apartment would be a breeze. But I'm looking in Nashua, Manchester, and some surrounding towns. I'm looking for something under $1,000. And I'm looking for two bedrooms. This means I'll either be living in some crime-ridden area, or living in some rural town with terrible cell-phone service.

And we're kind of picky.

The hardest part is that I don't really want it until September 1st, maybe October 1st. I can't help looking now, though, because I feel like I need a finger on the pulse of current apartment-renting trends! It makes me ever so much more eager to start looking in real life, but I know it's useless, because all the places that are advertising now want to get someone in there ASAP.

I'm sick of CraigsList. At least for this purpose. It's the same people over and over again trying to rent their same crappy apartments ("NEWLY REDUCED!!!!" "W/D HOOKUPS!!!" "1 MONTH RENT FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"). We saw only two places we were really interested in, and when I called, both had been rented already. So, we'll see how it all goes, but I think that finding a place to live that both people feel they can call home is going to be the hardest thing yet.

Retraction!

2010-05-12T12:15:00.002-04:00

So, in a previous post, I noted that Pete said our potential wedding DJ sounded a little tooly on the phone.

Well, we met with DJ Greg in person, and he was AWESOME. Like, awesome. We're so happy with our choice; we didn't meet with anyone else about prices or selection because he's so cool. So cool, in fact, that when I mentioned a song he didn't have, he downloaded it on the spot from iTunes (which cost him money, you know) before we even booked him. He also met us a lot closer to home (right in Manchester), and he was very understanding and excited about everything.

So, what I'm trying to say is: Sorry, Greg! Before we met, I had faith in you despite Pete's analysis, and after we met, we decided that Pete's analysis was absolutely totally wrong, and that you were the perfect DJ for us. The end.

Other news: October 30th draws nearer, and we haven't done much more planning. Not that there's really all that much to do. I think today I'm going to email the lady from the Pelham Inn and see if we can get our pies warmed up before they serve them (it's something that's been weight heavily on my mother's mind).

I'm applying for a job today in Canaan, NH for English teaching. I think I've been using the presumption that I will hate high school teaching as a mask for the real reason I've been putting off applying to more teaching jobs: I'm afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid I'll hate it, afraid of parents, and mostly afraid of the students themselves. But, I had a long talk with myself the other day, and here's what it boiled down to: did you hate your job when you taught at UNH? No. Do you hate your job now? Yes. Now to build the courage to mail that application. :)

one of those days

2010-04-17T09:15:00.002-04:00

So, I got a "talking to" yesterday at work. It's pretty out of my character to just flat-out forget about people, but that's what happened. Some customers came in looking for bridesmaid dresses, and I helped them for about ten minutes before I had to go help a bride, and thus, they were forgotten. What I didn't realize was that they had an appointment, so, that's pretty bad. Still, they were jerky. First of all, they got pissed when I told them we didn't have every dress in every single size (sorry, but if you try on the 12 and it's small but you LIKE the dress, then we can just order it in the correct size for you. That isn't the exact dress you'll be wearing in the wedding, so chill if it's not the right size). Then, Bridey got annoyed that we didn't have the dresses she wanted to look at in the color she wanted. Then, I got stuck with a bride and I forgot about the annoying people, and they complained--A LOT--about me. Here's how my "talking to" went:

Boss: "So, those women were really upset. What do you think happened?"
Me: "Well, I forgot about them."
Boss: (Momentary shock at candor). "Well, I'm glad you're honest."
Me: Nods awkwardly
Boss: "That was a lot of money we almost lost. You're going to lose this bride, now, and she's going to someone else."
Me: (Hoping my relief at never having to talk to those women again does not show on my face). "Okay."
Boss: "This is unlike you, so, we'll just chalk it up to experience. Good talk. Don't lose sleep over it."
Me: "Don't worry."
Boss: "We good?" (Smiles widely) "I make mistakes ALL the time!!!" (Rolls eyes and exaggerates in order to make me feel like we're on the same level).
Me: "Okay. I'm going to go wash my mirrors now. Thanks."

Bahhhh. Stupid.

P.S. how's that for an "and then" story?

i'm gonna be a quarterback someday and throw for 2,000 yards

2010-04-12T08:54:00.004-04:00

Well, the last post belonged to a different blog. So, sorry about that. But maybe it was a nice change?

News on the personal front: started NFP (natural family planning) class last night. We received it as an early wedding present from Laura and Keith. It's surprisingly interesting, I must say. I mean, the 5th grade anatomy lesson wasn't very interesting, but making charts and plotting points is something I enjoy, so this might be right up me and Pete's alley. That's all I'll say about it. It's kind of fun.

News on the wedding front: meeting with DJ Solerus tonight. And by DJ Solerous, I mean DJ Greg Sowa, son of Mr. Sowa, middle school Social Studies teacher. You can see his website here. He looks like a lot of fun. Ally goes to college with him (ha, he's a senior at UNH) and says he's a pretty good guy, despite Pete's analysis that DJ Greg sounds like a tool on the phone. I still believe in him! I'm excited to meet him, because I think he'll be a DJ that will play a lot of Lady Gaga, which is what I want.

News on the job front: who knows? On Wednesday I called the community college where I interviewed at, and they didn't get back to me yet. I might call again today. I also need to call Pete's work (they had an opening for customer service people). I'm also applying for AmeriCorps VISTA stuff again, because I just really need skills, and really have none (as far as grant writing, fundraising, and all that stuff is concerned). I'd like to work for a non-profit someday, so those skills would definitely come in handy. This time, I will not be convinced it is a bad idea. I still have bad days where I just want to cry all day in my bed, but they're a lot fewer than before.

boot bandwagon

2010-04-06T10:24:00.004-04:00

So, I have these boots, and I'm pretty sure I haven't worn them since the capsule challenge of many months ago. I just fear that boots make my calves look big, as I have already expressed in previous posts. Still, I kind of like what's going on here.

This outfit is meant for work, though the corduroy skirt might be a tad casual for my work environment. I'm liking all the colors together: though I tend to think of jewel tones as fall-only, my last post and today's post both make use of them. It just goes to show that tealy/turquoise is a color for all seasons. As far as the casualness is concerned, I'm not that worried. The white button-up and sweater vest take care of that, methinks. The only thing I am worried about is comfort. I'm on my feet the whole time at work, bringing heavy dresses back and forth to customers all day long. I'll probably bring a change of shoe.

But, since B is basically obsessed with boots, I figured I'd give them another shot. I don't even hate the way they make my legs look, and I'm not sure if it's because I've lost a little weight since the last time I've worn them, or if it's because I just don't care as much about adding a little bulk to the calf area. Regardless, I like it all.

Boots: Marshall's or TJ Maxx
White shirt, teal vest: Old Navy
Beige skirt: hand-me-down, Old Navy
Brown tights: Target
Brown socks: Marshall's

can't wait for tomorrow

2010-04-01T08:23:00.003-04:00

...because tomorrow I have the day off, and I have an interview. Lately, David's Bridal has been hating me. I don't sell enough, I don't even pretend to be a salesperson, and they're starting to catch on. At first they thought it was because I was new. Now they see that it's my personality. I feel guilty "asking for the sale." I don't know, I feel like, buy it if you want to, but not because I want you to. Of course, being in the sales business, I guess I have to get better at leading people subliminally, without outwardly steering. It's hard! I have respect for good salespeople, for sure, because it is definitely an art.

So, back to my point: interview tomorrow. It's at Nashua Community College, and even though it's only for a secretary position, I am feeling really hopeful. It would be in the Academic Affairs office, and it would help me know some people, so that maybe one day I could get good references or even move up. I applied to another job at NCC, that of Academic Advisor, which I actually think my education and experience have prepared me for, but I'm doubtful about that one.

Plus, I haven't really told anyone about my experience going to Simmons College the other day for an open house in their GLIS (Graduate Library and Information Science) department. It was AWESOME and basically sealed the fact that I want to be a librarian. That's why I can endure jobs that I am overqualified for: I am shooting for a someday goal, and I keep telling myself that David's Bridal and anything else is just temporary. With the wedding and marriage and all I won't be able to start until maybe next fall, which gives me some time to gather my materials and put together a showstopping application. It also gives me time to research programs; when there are only 52 in the U.S., you really have to do some soul-searching about where you want to go and what exactly you hope to do there. The program in Denver looks pretty cool, though.

And because I have to share:

That's me, in my mom's wedding dress, laughing at the thought of ever fitting into it. It's okay because, according to her, "It's SO UGLY!"

i need space! and friends.

2010-03-30T20:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, for all you four people who read my blog: I am back. I am back because I need a space. I need a space because lately (no one's fault but my own) I feel isolated. As we all know, the Internet does wonders for the isolated (physically or emotionally--Second Life, anyone?)

Moving on.

I think I'm suffering from wedding apathy. Maybe it's because it doesn't feel real yet, or maybe it's because we've been rushing through the planning, but I'd be happy as a clam just taking a jaunt over to town hall to get the whole thing over with this weekend. Here is an example: for some reason, it doesn't seem overly crazy to just drive to the chapel in a regular car, rather than a limo. It's just going to be myself and my sister in the limo, right? And then on the way back it's just going to be myself and Pete. It just doesn't make much sense to me to spend money on something that is totally and completely for show, and which, on top of that, stirs up feelings of motion sickness. I understand that 99% of weddings are just for show, so I guess there goes that argument, but I don't know...I feel like a freshly-washed and waxed minivan wouldn't be the worst thing ever. Maybe it would.

On top of things like that, I have been eating. I mean, eating a lot more sweets and snacks than I have been in the past couple months. I was doing FANTASTIC with weight loss, if I do say so myself. I only have about 15 more pounds until I get to the goal I set for myself (not the ultimate goal, but a smaller one). I think I'm stressed about being apathetic, and it's feeding my feedings, if you get my drift. I am a stress eater, for sure, and it has been SO HARD to avoid treats. So hard, in fact, that I haven't been avoiding them at all. I always said I would be one of those people who, as soon as they are engaged, go on an immediate starvation diet of cough drops and lemon water, just to look good at the wedding. Instead, I have shown myself to be one of those brides who needs to buy a second wedding dress because hers no longer fits. That hasn't happened yet, but if habits don't change...

So, I'm hereby making a promise to myself, and to you, dear readers. I am going to be more salad, and less cookie. I am going to be more exercise, less lounge. And I am going to be more proactive, and less apathetic, because the latter is actually stressing me out more.

It's just a confusing and stressful time. But not, if you know what I mean.

it's been a while

2009-11-09T23:18:00.002-05:00

hello, blogosphere! i'm back.

my computer is fixed! new hard drive is in! i have a sinking feeling The Sims broke it. wah.

BUT! i'm very happy that jen has found joy in my Sims game. hooray!

update on the job front:

interview went quite well for the hudson school district today. as much as i want to get out of hudson, i can't really do it with negative dollars in the bank and a car that won't start. SO, i've got to start somewhere! subbing it shall be, at least for now.

still working at david's bridal, though only a few hours a week right now. this week i'm only working THREE hours. that's pitiful.

i've started to send my resume out like crazy again. i took a break when i got the david's gig and my computer broke, but i think i'm feeling like i'm ready to start again. it takes a lot out of you, and you see the same ads listed on every stupid website, but i'm pushing resumes out there like crazy. "cast your net wide," as they say.

i have an interview/meeting with a woman from a temp agency in boston on thursday. that could also lead to some interesting prospects if i don't totally mess it up. it's for admin assisting, which i know i can do, but i'm hoping i can score something a little more socially redeemable than just some admin job at a giant corporation in boston. we'll see. beggars can't be choosers.

things are getting interesting

2009-09-21T08:42:00.002-04:00

Well, no "real" job yet, but my first chocolate party went REALLY well (sales-wise). I sold over $1,000 worth of merchandise which means, I think, that I can make up to 45% commission. That's awesome. That is just TWO HOURS of work!

I have another party set up for Wednesday, and I'm working on getting some other people signed up.

I'm kind of really feeling that if I can learn how to push those party bookings and recruitments, I could make this my full-time job. That'd be nice!

well, it's something

2009-08-31T10:40:00.002-04:00

since there don't seem to be any prospective employers pounding down my door, I finally decided that enough was enough. "i'm taking my life into my own hands," i said to myself. so...i got conned into selling chocolate. as in, a kind of edible tupperware party. the more i think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds and is. but at least it gives me some kind of goal (sales goals...money goals), it gives me something to do at least once a week, and now i can worry about this for a while instead of worrying about what's so wrong with me that i can't find a normal job.

i also called the adult learning center in nashua to see if i could be a volunteer tutor. i hope i get called back soon about it.

i'm continuing my daily employment search, of course, but at least i feel like i have some purpose now. i just wish it wasn't in-home sales. but hey, if i can make 200 dollars at a 2 hour party, i'll probably be singing a different tune.

shmiking

2009-08-18T06:32:00.002-04:00

first, may i please start with this: http://www.buycostumes.com/Eight-Is-Too-Much-Adult-Wig/65620/ProductDetail.aspx ?

do what you will with it. courtney, my electrologist, told me about it and i just had to find it online. now i have given you this awesome gift, dear readers.

in other news, i've been biking like crazy! well, okay maybe not like crazy, but a lot more than usual. yesterday i rode my bike to aubrey's, the day before that i rode around the neigborhood for about 8 miles, and i've been trying to get to lyndsay's house every now and again for bike rides. ah, it's fun. i'm especially happy about the rack on the back of the bike, because i could strap down a little satchel of clothes and stuff--perfect for bringing all of my shower things and a change of clothes to aubrey's! good stuff.

food-wise, i've been off the ball a little bit. today back to point counting.

great, great, great!

2009-08-11T14:08:00.002-04:00

if you couldn't tell from the title of this post, yesterday was a fairly fantastic day.

1. i got my bike!! it's in beautiful condition now, and it is a new rack on the back of it so i can carry things like baskets of picnic food or groceries or flowers. i am obviously a bicycle-basket-romanticizer, but come on. all things are possible with baskets attached to your bike.

2. i exercised twice! i went to the gym and did a fairly traditional, boring workout of treadmill and stairs, some resistance training, and some modified yoga stretching. later, after dinner, i went to lyndsay's and we went for a short bike ride (2.2 miles...not much on a bike, but there were some uphills, so all was not lost).

3. i ate well, and was never dissatisfied! because i was busy all day with things here and there, i never had much time to sit down and think about how bored i was. as a result, i didn't snack at all, and the meals i chose were healthy (except dinner, which was pancakes. but since pancakes are so delicious, i didn't mind).

4. i discovered i have lost 2.5 pounds in the last week and a half! this is exciting news.

and even though there was a sad point in my day (ripping open the envelope from the school i applied to for the position of guidance assistant and finding myself rejected...i didn't know they did rejection letters in the world of work), i used it as ammunition to fuel my desire for stability in all other areas.

points: 29 (2 over, i blame the pancakes)
exercise: 4 points, or about 50 minutes.

sunday funday

2009-08-10T08:48:00.002-04:00

well...not completely fun. after visiting my grandmother i waited around for a few hours before any plans solidified, which meant i had time to sit in my room and organize stuff. it could have taken all of a half hour if i could just focus, but i couldn't, so it took longer and became more annoying. now the pile is gone from my floor, though, and the final box is emptied! now i just have to clear off the stuff from my desk, and my room will be clean! of course, it has taken three weeks for me to get to this point...and as i look around right now, i see something else that needs to get done before my room is "clean." ugh. oh well.

as far as food is concerned, yesterday was kind of pell-mell. i had a decent breakfast of cereal and milk, then we went to my grandmother's where i had two small blueberry muffins (i hadn't eaten lunch and i couldn't find the strength to eat only one). after that i came home and found i was still hungry for lunch, so i had another bowl of cereal and milk. then until dinner i just kept nibbling...a peach, about 10 marshmallows, a pudding snack cup, some goldfish...but after dinner happened i was pretty much done (except for the cheese curls that found their way into my lap later in the night). i really need to work on snacking less. the snacks are my boredom/frustration food...when i don't have anything to do, or don't know what i want to do, or when i'm waiting around for something to happen, i just eat whatever is in sight. that needs to stop, methinks.

exercise: none. lyndsay invited me for a bike ride but my bike isn't back from the shop yet. hopefully it will be today!

beach time, beach food

2009-08-09T09:43:00.003-04:00

lovely, LOVELY day at the beach yesterday! i was so happy that i got to meet up with brooke and enjoy some quality time doing one of the things i love best: "swimming" in the ocean. the water wasn't even that cold! it was, i might even argue, kind of warm compared to the last beach day i had (three weeks ago in ogunquit...very windy, very VERY cold water). i will live within biking distance to the ocean someday.

of course, with the beach comes (dun dun duuunnn) beach food. delicious, greasy, fatty, fried beach food. here's what i wanted: a fried dough, ice cream, deep fried oreos, fudge, Sal's pizza, an italian sausage sub, richie's italian ice.

the good news is, here's what i actually got: a single slice of veggie pizza (greasy, yes), a small fat-free frozen yogurt (i only ate half!), a caramel apple. in between i ate goldfish crackers and an applesauce. now, it still does seem like a lot of bad food, BUT...compared to what it could have been, well, i think it was a beach success.

exercise: walking around a lot to and from the beach to get said snacks, cavorting in the water for hours.
points: (rough estimate) 39. that's 12 OVER my daily allowance, BUT i have 35 weekly points that i can pull from, and the excess is only because i had papa gino's for dinner at 10:30 when i was starving and should have gone to bed but didn't. for a true vacation day, i don't think it was all that bad.

doctor's office

2009-08-05T12:54:00.002-04:00

so, yesterday i went with my mom in the morning to take care of my grandmother for the day. it's not so bad when she isn't complaining the whole time about how nobody lets her eat (it's sad...she forgot she ate breakfast, and since she has diabetes her food is pretty regulated, so my mom couldn't let her have anything else. she fought with my mom for like ten minutes about how everyone is trying to starve her to death). after a hilarious lunch (she kept telling me my shirt was too revealing, and as a result, kept putting her hands down my shirt or on my boobs. "how can i help it," she asked, "when they're right in my face?!") we went to the doctor with her.

i didn't exercise yesterday. it was so damn hot, and i felt tired after taking care of the grandmother. i ate 29 points, which is 2 over my point allotment. it's because i had doritos with dinner. ah well.

for the most part, though, i made good choices with food all day, so i was happy with myself about that.

today i'm going to look at a craigslist bike for $150 down the street, which is very exciting! i'm also waiting for lisa to come pick me up from manchester. she's a half hour late, which is good, because i had time to do my hair. bad, because i'm hungry and want lunch. i think i'm going to have a salad for lunch today.

that's all! i'm in a pretty happy mood.

it's not a diet.

2009-08-03T14:07:00.004-04:00

back to counting ww points, and this time (as always, but not really) i mean it for real.

for many people, weighing what i currently weigh would be a wake-up call. no, i should rephrase that. if they suddenly woke up one day and weighed what i weigh, it would be a moment of all-out anxious panic. when a friend told me she was nearing the 25o mark this week, all i could think about was that it isn't so hard to get there, really. people gasp at numbers, and can't imagine how a person could become, say, 800 pounds. well, i'll tell you right now, it's really easy to get to 200, so i can only imagine how simple it is to pack on 600 more.

basically what i'm saying is that my "wake-up call" was not so much the thought that i don't want to end up like my friend, but the thought that there are people out there who don't want to end up like me.

and this is not to say i feel bad for myself, or feel like some kind of victim of culture. i just feel i need to get real with a number of things: goals, performance, and persistence. in the joyous nature of turning over a new leaf, i now present you with the following information:

1. this blog is about to be taken over by my food and exercise habits.
2. i might even occasionally talk about my clothes.

in addition, i'm going to lay it all out right now, my hopes for myself and some realistic goals.

1. My first goal is to lose ten percent of my body weight. That's about 20 pounds.
2. My second goal is to stop comparing myself to everyone else (fatter and thinner alike). It's not helpful. Everyone is different.
3. My third goal is to make positive decisions every day. It could be the decision to spend five more minutes on the treadmill, or it could be the decision to start sewing a new project.
4. My fourth, and for now final, goal is to stop judging myself when I make choices that might not be the wisest. There's no need to constantly feel guilty, bad, upset, disgusting, or what have you when I see the size of my pants, or when I choose to eat a cookie, or when I see pictures of myself. It is what it is. I'll be a lot happier if I can just take all that as motivation, instead of as more reasons to hate myself.

That's all.

Exercise today: 30 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes weight-train.
Points: 19.5, 7.5 left.

ahem.

2009-08-03T13:49:00.002-04:00

my room is ALMOST totally unpacked and clean! it has only taken me a few weeks. I just have a few more piles of stuff to go through. then, i need to go through all my teaching stuff and file it away in some kind of organized manner. then i will be done! and home indefinitely.

pluses of moving back home: there are always people around who will do stuff with you. there's almost always something to do or someone to see. you can go to the gym with your sister or your mom. you might run into people you know at the library (it happened!). you can kind of take your time.

minuses of moving back home: all your stuff (kitchen, bath, den) is in your bedroom. you still feel like there's a curfew, even if there technically isn't. it is expected that your job will be to help your brother with homework. you are routinely grilled about what your life plans are. you feel like you always want to get out.

still, i'm happy to be here, at least for now.

new formula

2009-07-25T12:00:00.002-04:00

okay, now that people are starting to get jobs, i need to really up the ante.

i applied for a job as a guidance assistant at a local high school. i am seriously serious about this job. i know i can do it, and do it well. all i have to do is get an interview. my new formula for application included: physically printing out a copy of resume, cover letter, and references, then putting them in a really nice resume folder, putting that into a really nice envelope, and sending it via snail mail. i think that will get more attention than email.

also, i reworked the ol' cover letter to sound more assertive. i told the vice principal i would call him next week, instead of just asking him to consider calling me back.

we'll see what happens, but i think i would really enjoy that job. it's a lot of one-on-one contact with kids doing study skills and helping with homework, and basically doing the stuff that guidance doesn't really have time to do. one-on-one is where i shine! hopefully THIS one works out.

i've been calling the other places i apply to, but every time i call i either get voicemail or the response that they don't accept follow up calls because of the high applicant volume. it's hard to get an edge on people when there are hundreds of others applying for the same jobs as you!

uncertainty abounds

2009-07-15T10:45:00.002-04:00

what's today? the 15th? that puts us smack in the middle of July, and only about two weeks away from move-out-of-dover day. here are some things that are floating through my mind, at the mome:

1. i hate moving. i'm not the only one. i read some statistic about how some ridiculously large number of people rate moving as their number one most hated thing. i would consider myself a member of that group. i mostly hate it because it involves a lot of cleaning of stuff you don't normally see (stuff that gets shoved under your bed, for example, or dust bunnies that accumulate behind desks and under side-tables). i'm going to have to do a lot of dusting. the other reason i hate it is because as of now, i have nowhere to put a lot of that stuff.

2. leading to my number two thought for the day: i'm bummed about moving back home. it's great that my parents are welcoming me and all my stuff, and it's awesome that i have my room still and that my parents will feed me and house me and they love me. but...there's a lot of tension that is involved with living with your family--tension you don't usually notice until you stay there for more than a week. that, my friends, is tension i don't want any part of. it will be great to save up for things like cars, dental work, and loan payments, but at the end of the day, i think i'm going to be pretty stressed. and there isn't a bathroom in the basement.

3. i'm beginning to think my resume must need help. i mean, i'm a highly qualified professional, and i've been sending my resume out like crazy. i need to make some follow-up calls (even though a few places i've called don't "do phone calls"), but i'm starting to feel like maybe my resume is going to the bottom of the pile for some reason. i need to investigate.

4. the weather is gorgeous, i'm going away for the weekend, and i still feel kind of like a failure because i graduated in may and it's been almost two months and i still don't have a job. i know it's a bad time to be looking for one, and i know i shouldn't expect every place to want me, and i also know that sometimes it takes many months. i'm just impatient because...

5. i'm so freaking bored. i enjoy doing nothing, typically. i don't have a problem watching tv all day. i like lounging at the beach just reading a book. i've been making a lot of ice cream and looking into a lot of new recipes. i visit farmers markets. but when everyone else has a job, or isn't around, it gets kind of lonely doing all that stuff by yourself. and i spend time every day researching new cars and cell phones, looking at clothes online, etc., etc., and you can't get that stuff without money. so, i'm trying to make whatever i have last as long as i can, and that means doing a lot of nothing. and that's...boring.

that's all. i've just been feeling a little down lately. but at least the sun is out! and at least i'm going away this weekend! so that's nice.

another win! but then, maybe not.

2009-07-09T18:12:00.002-04:00

so interview went well. i have to say, the atmosphere at nashua community college was somewhat more...grim...than i had anticipated. i knew two year schools would be different, but i wasn't quite prepared for the "we'll hire just about anything that breathes" mentality that the woman who interviewed me (the head of the humanities dept.) seemed to have. after telling me for some time about how they used to have five required papers in college comp., but now they only have four, she asked me just TWO questions: 1. what do i do when there is a kid in my class who obviously doesn't want to be there? and 2. why do i like teaching?

that was it. i answered her, and she seemed satisfied. she looked at my undergraduate transcript and noted, "ah, i see you took a british lit class! you could probably teach it here, then." well yes, i am an english lit major...i took MANY british lit classes. most notably in my graduate career, not really undergraduate. she didn't even bother looking at my UNH transcript, even though i gave it to her. the fact that i had a b.a. seemed to be reason enough.

anyway so i "got the job" and can have two sections of college comp and two of brit lit if i want them...BUT here's the rub: each 4 credit class pays 2200. each 3 credit pays 1700. meaning i would be making somewhere around 8,000 dollars for the semester, which works out to be about 16,000 a year. and benefits are naturally not included (this i already knew). i can't take this job if i want money, which is, after all, what i want. second job? sure. primary career? absolutely out of the cards. '

but i already knew that about adjuncting. whatever. it's another interview under my belt, i guess.

interview postponed

2009-07-03T09:34:00.002-04:00

as the title suggests, my interview has been postponed until monday morning. good, because i need to hem the pants of the suit i bought the other day. and find brown shoes to wear with it. bad, because heck, i just want to get it over with. and maybe have a job.

i helped alexa moved a lot of her stuff out of the house yesterday. that was kind of sad. now our house looks a lot less house-y. :( she was the one with all the decorations!

interview!

2009-06-29T16:07:00.002-04:00

i have an interview on thursday morning at the community college in nashua! on the one hand, sad that it's not around dover. on the other hand, YAY job interview! it's just an adjunct position (no bennies, sadly), but hey, it's a job. i can pick up a shift at starbucks or blockbuster for insurance, i suppose. maybe i would be able to afford an apartment! that would be so amazing. i would be like, a real adult. i know i shouldn't jump the gun, but i can't help being excited.

:)

i let the car be the deciding factor

2009-06-24T18:46:00.002-04:00

so, i'm not doing americorps after all. the timing just isn't right. my car is about to collapse on itself, and i can't be two hours away without any kind of transportation to get to work or to get home. it just wouldn't work, especially in the winter.

but someday!

in response to brooke, the relay went well! it was tiring, but fun and well worth-it. they made 87,000 dollars at our event alone, and they were holding TONS of them throughout the country the same weekend and the weekend before. so, it's a good thing.

in other news, i either have a partially blocked tear duct or conjunctivitis. i went to the clinic today and i've started on antibiotics so that either way i'm covered by the time friday rolls around. nobody has to worry about catching it, if that's even what it is. who knows. all i know is that it's really annoying and i just want it to go away.

relay tonight

2009-06-19T10:29:00.002-04:00

this evening is the Relay for Life at alvirne and i have to admit...i'm kind of dreading it. from 6 pm until 10 am we'll just be walking and chilling, which sounds like a grand old time, but i really can't stand about 3/4 of the people on our team so i think it's going to be a bit like torture. not to mention the next day, instead of sleeping, i have to go to a graduation party and a recital. i might have to rethink a couple of those things.

the PORT center in freeport called me today, and it sounds like (i let them leave a message) i might have the recommendation if i want it. getting jobs is scarier than not getting them...ahhh, the great unknown. but it's FREEPORT, which is so cute, and it's on the water, and it sounds like pretty much the best job ever, and even though it's volunteering and i don't make any money, all the things i'll get to do will look good on my resume.

the ONE hitch is that my car is seriously on its last leg. today i'm going to bring it to jiffy lube (ha, almost spelled it "loob") to get the transmition flushed, or whatever they do, but seriously, it's totally a piece of garbage. ugh. that's the one thing i'm trying to figure out. like, will it last me another year? i just do not know. but i'm trying not to let the car be my deciding factor.

good day/ bad day

2009-06-13T02:04:00.003-04:00

i'll do bad day first:

so, sims will never work on my computer. ever. why? because my video/graphics card thing is only 64 MB. guess how much sims needs? 128. that's right. my computer is probably the only computer made in the last five years with less than 128 MB for this. i'm BEYOND angry. or at least, i was. i'm kind of at peace with it now, even though i've just made all these improvements to my computer for no reason. at least i can rest well knowing i've just made it possible for my computer to last like five years longer...although, what's the point, if you can't play games on it?

now i have to make the decision about whether to sell the game, or keep it and just play it on OTHER PEOPLE'S COMPUTERS. of course, the only time i ever want to play is when i'm ALONE, so this doesn't really add up. but i can't bear to get rid of it just yet... i just loved it so much. so, so much.

good day:

yesterday i had two really great interviews with people from two different AmeriCorps sites. After the first one the woman called back an hour later and said, "Well we still are supposed to interview more people but we just have such a GREAT feeling about you! We just want you here working with us!" and that, of course, felt really nice. i've been feeling like a total loser with no future, so it was nice to hear someone thought i sounded like a great candidate for something. the second interview that day went really well, also, and to be honest i'd rather have the second than the first, but it's nice to have an option. i'm still a little torn about a paying job versus volunteer job, but i really think AmeriCorps will help me get some skills on the ol' resume. i DO need a new car though...and the interest on my private loans just keeps piling up. but, that debt will ALWAYS be there. it's not like it's going to go away in a year anyway, so what's the difference, really? besides, the one i want is in freeport, which is a nice little town. and it sounds like a sweet little job (just me and the supervisor and that's IT, and she was pretty great on the phone, and i'd get to do exciting things like GRANT PROPOSAL WRITING and HANGING OUT WITH KIDS ALL DAY and GOING ON FEILD TRIPS). so...yes. i don't know still. but that second one is sounding mighty good.

that's all. that's my current update. oh, and i got some stuff from the battises today for the yard sale. AND mr. and mrs. battis told me i could have the blue chair that's in the garage, so YAY! they joked that there might be mice...i sincerely hope that this is truly joshing... :/. ha.

today is a better day

2009-06-09T15:52:00.002-04:00

last night was awful. i pretty much cried myself to sleep stressing out about finding a job. what i woke up today and realized (thanks to a long conversation with pete) is that it isn't really a race. i have a family that loves me very much and wants me to do well. they will help me out if i need it, and they will do whatever it takes to make sure i'm happy. that is such a giant blessing, and one that in all my angst i took for granted.

that said, i do have a lot of stressful things on my plate at the moment (where will i live after july? what will i be doing? what else needs to be done for this anniversary party? where else should i be sending my resume? who hasn't r.s.v.p.'d yet? will we raise enough money at the yard sale for the relay?) it doesn't mean i have to flip out about it constantly. i'm going to make the conscious decision to take it one step at a time.

also, my wonderful father let me know about a woman (mrs. bancroft...jim's mom) he knows who works at the local community college and said she was looking for adjuncts. so, even though adjuncts don't lead the best life (no bennies, for example) it is a step in the right direction, i think. i sent her an email with my resume about five minutes ago.

and today i bought the operating system i needed for sims! so now i can play!

and i have two interviews for americorps positions on thursday. one i'm not sure i want, but we'll see how it goes.

so, my life is not that bad. in fact, it isn't bad at all. :)

perspective, perspective, perspective.

buzz word: qualified

2009-06-05T01:21:00.004-04:00

i am tired, so this will be short. i just felt the need to post because it's been a while.

i did not get the librarian job. they didn't even call me. they just sent me an email that said i had neither the experience nor the qualifications. actually, i kind of prefer this email, because it doesn't make me feel bad about myself at all. it just makes me think i wasn't qualified, which is probably a little untrue, but still a quantitative...rather than qualitative...reason. i feel it wasn't because i'm a terrible person, or worse, a stupid one. just under-qualified. i can take that. this was a repetitive paragraph. i won't change it.

now i'm waiting on one final transcript so i can submit it to the local private high school. i stupidly told someone i know (who has a master's in education (i didn't know this!) and has also been teaching at a high school for four years and is looking for a new job) and now he says we will be "competitors." i said it's only competition if both people have a chance. next to him, i am pretty much right out. so maybe he'll forget about it and i can apply without worrying. i mean, i know there are going to be lots of other people vying for this job, but i don't like it when i know them... especially when i know they are much more highly qualified than myself.

and finally, i had my americorps VISTA preliminary interview today and it went well, so that made me feel good about myself. at least it will be a job for a year that will look good on resumes and hopefully teach me some valuable skills (so that i will finally feel qualified?). not to mention volunteering is just plain good for society. but...it would be nice to also pay some bills. i don't know. my feelings of inadequacy are bubbling to the surface--i feel like a total loser.

and to add to my loseryness, i just bought sims 3! it is AMAZING (you can finally make people evil), but it does not run on my computer. what? that's right. my operating system is one too old...so now i'm thinking about buying a new one. not a new computer! just a new OS. but i'm torn about that, too, because the current one (leopard) is about to get an update (snow leopard) and because it's stupid mac, nobody knows when or how soon. everyone just says it's coming in the next few weeks or so. in the meantime, i can't play my game (unless i install it on someone else's computer...which i did. but it ran really slow on brooke's because she already had a lot of stuff on her computer. so. i don't know. it was great to use it. but obviously brooke needs her computer). wah wah wah. i just want to build an evil empire.

new leaf!

2009-05-28T09:30:00.003-04:00

okay, okay, okay.

it's time for a positive outlook, and some positive changes! there's a library position in Derry that I might apply to; it sounds really interesting and fulfilling. I also need to send the guy in Portland all my Americorps information.

And I really, REALLY know I want to go back to school and get my MLS (Master's in Library Science), perhaps with a concentration in school libraries or archives. Its what I wanted to do two years ago, and it turns out, it's still what I want to do. My English Master's was, I think, a necessary stop on the road to my library future. Sometimes a person and their profession are just destined to be together, I think, and even if it takes me and my profession years to come together, that'll be okay. Being a librarian would fulfill everything: my need to educate and enlighten, my love of organized books, my passion for literature, and my obsession with everything involving research. You know you love research when JSTOR is on your facebook favorites. I think it's meant to be. Someday, somehow, it will happen.

on to more important things...

2009-05-21T10:28:00.002-04:00

okay then. grade breakdown as i have it so far:

"B" on final paper in grammar (which i am MAD about, because she said it would have been an "A" paper if i'd followed the assignment more closely. i'm mostly mad because that is something i would say to one of my own students if they wrote a good paper that didn't have anything to do with the prompt).

"A" on the final paper in victorian lit (which is a HUGE relief because i was getting nervous).

and i'm still unsure about the shakespeare one. i'm still pretty nervous about that one, because it's supposed to be my "extended seminar" master's paper (and it was only 23 pages...). so, extended it isn't, but hopefully it's good enough for at least an "A-."

i worked on my resume for a while yesterday, adding in a decent objective and summary. i never had a summary before, maybe that was part of my problem. so now, we'll see. i just haven't found any normal job that sounds even remotely interesting, and i know that sounds stupid and stuck-up, but i can't help it. so, if i don't find anything that i'd be willing to apply for in the next week or so, i'm going to start applying for the americorps stuff i think sounds great.

and that's that.

done? done!

2009-05-16T17:51:00.002-04:00

well, all right then. it seems that all my papers are finished. hm. it still doesn't feel like it's really over yet. i guess it will feel real once i have a job, and am wishing for the days when i was stressing out about papers.

i have to say, i was not stressed on friday while i was writing a good 2/3 of my paper. no, i was pretty happy just sitting in the library doing my research. it felt good to feel good about it. i only got 23 pages, but you know what? i'm not worried. i think those pages are pretty quality. and besides, with my works cited it comes to 25, so i'm happy.

now we'll just see when grades come in. but i'm pretty proud of my little rosalynd paper. and my little arthur conan doyle paper. AND my little grammar paper.

now i just have the grammar final exam on monday, and that's the end.

hm, i have mixed feelings. :)

but at least the being done called for a celebration, so pete and i went to hampton beach and got blink's frydoe (a.k.a. fried dough) and slush puppies. "yum" is all i have to say to that.

2/3!

2009-05-13T15:05:00.001-04:00

it feels weird to be so close to the end!

still have to finish this paper on rosalynd by friday at 5.

i don't think it's sunk in yet.

...now what?

mere days

2009-05-12T14:04:00.002-04:00

hello, followers of my life. i have excellent news for you! i have officially handed in 1 out of the 3 final papers due this week. i wash my hands of it! now, on to round 2: grammar. i think it's going to work out fine, and i think mary clark is going to like it. it's my plan to finish that one up today, as well. that will mean i have wed, thurs, and friday before 5 to finish the one about rosalynd. and, i didn't tell you this, but people at school were really digging my presentation on rosalynd, so that is definitely a good sign. i'm happy now to have a direction.

in short, i feel so much better about everything. if i could just figure out how to be less of a procrastinator, i would really apply for phD programs. the reason i end up hating things is because i wait until the last minute. that's really the truth. right now? i love being an english literature person! i love reading, and i really do enjoy writing about that reading. it's just the deadlines that kill me; the feeling that i'm writing into an academic void. i don't know. i do like it. it just doesn't like me.

:)

p.s. i'm going to guest-blog on the fashion site in july!!! YIPPERS!

boring, i know

2009-05-09T18:27:00.003-04:00

so, yes, my school work has been taking over my life, which is why i talk about nothing else. but i promise, it will all be over soon!

i am happy to report that i will definitely be done with five pages of my shakespeare essay by monday night. i think that means it will be about 20% done! the final is due on the 15th. this is good news.

want to know something else that's great? i went to my victorian lit prof, and he said my paper about arthur conan doyle/sherlock holmes/piltdown man hoax (look it up, it's fun) is pretty much fine as is, so that means i don't have to do much to it before i hand it in on tuesday. this is more good news.

and finally, i, against my better judgement, requested to be a guest blogger on the fashion/eating blog T Minus T Plus!

so, i kind of hope she says yes, but that will absolutely mean I have to pick out some crazy cute outfit that is also flattering. um, i am excited at the prospect. i must say, i think my outfit today is pretty darn cute. i like my polka-dotted shirt.

oh! and more fun news: i went shopping today and bought a really cute skirt. i don't ever wear skirts (mostly for the chub-rub factor: all that thigh rubbing is painful), but it was 9.99 at this store in dover and it fit, so i couldn't pass it up. okay, i'm just blabbing now because i don't want to finish my presentation. but i need to get most of it done, so i can go see star trek tonight, and then go see my mother tomorrow, without feeling bad.

procrastination rears its ugly head

2009-05-07T13:01:00.002-04:00

i know this is exactly what i post at the end of EVERY semester, but it seems even more hopeless this time around. of course everything will get done, because it has to get done, but i just really, really don't want to do it. two of my papers are going great: grammar and victorian lit. i like writing them, they are interesting, and best of all, fairly short (both around 10 pages). i feel like i'm doing worthwhile work in them, and that feels really good.

but this other paper? it's going to be the death of me. it's for shakespeare class, it's my "extended seminar paper" which is the equivalent of a master's paper only shorter, so it counts a lot, and i just cannot get motivated to start it. why? because i hate the topic. i just really don't care about literacy in renaissance england, or how that pertains to thomas lodge's rosalynd. nobody else cares about it either (when i told my prof. what i was thinking of doing, he said, "well, that's not really my area of interest, and i don't really think anyone else is doing that, so, i guess go for it.") all in all, he is not particularly interested in it, and neither am i. it's making writing it far more difficult. in addition, alexa was talking to him the other day (they are buddies, he's a young prof teaching his first graduate class), and he totally admitted that he was lazy, hadn't graded a bunch of our other stuff, and he has papers he needs to write that aren't written yet. basically this could work in one of two ways: the first way is that it could be fantastic! he has all this other work to do, he doesn't particularly care about my paper anyway, and he doesn't have time to grade it. this turns into a good grade for me, because he just has no idea what's going on. the OTHER way it could go, though, is that he feels that he has to compensate for his laziness by taking it out on us via grading system. he might get lost in the nit-picky because he doesn't know much about my topic, and give me a bad grade because he's bored.

UGHHHHH. two weeks. two weeks. two weeks. and it's done.

spring!

2009-05-01T09:49:00.003-04:00

spring is here for real! there are leaves on the trees, flowers in the dirt, and bugs in the air. everything is bursting with life and color! it feels really great.

you know what else feels really great? i tried on my cap and gown the other day...and it felt good. oh, it felt good. i get a velvety white stripe on my hood! it's really exciting. now, if i could just get all the work done, i'd rest assured that the cap and gown won't go to waste.

ugh

2009-04-28T16:16:00.000-04:00

too.

damn.

hot.

i mean, it's april for goodness sakes! blargh.

it's beginning to look a lot like...finals?

2009-04-26T20:19:00.002-04:00

it's that time of semester again! a time for laughter, tears, anxiety, and self-hatred. today i spent about twelve hours trying to write a ten page paper about something i do every single day: commenting on students' writing. i'm writing a paper for grammar class about the language of teacher comments and whether or not they actually do anything (and whether the language has anything to do with them). it is surprisingly hard to write. i figured i'd be done in about four hours. well, since i've probably REALLY only worked on in for, say, six, i'm still behind. i've only got five pages! the problem is, at its heart, this paper is really a sociology paper, and i'll be darned if these aren't harder to write than regular english papers!

i feel like an utter moron staring at the screen, reading and re-reading what i've got, trying to just b.s. my way to ten pages. anyway, i want to get this as done as i can tonight, so that it's out of my life and i can worry about my other papers.

new to-do:
1. finish grammar project (that's this)
2. begin shakespeare (presentation due the 11th, final due the week after)
3. begin victorian lit (another paper only 8-10 pages, but i think that one will be tough, also). Presentation next tuesday, final due the 15th).

and then? HOME FREE. :) :) :)

rainy day

2009-04-22T16:16:00.002-04:00

i thought today it was supposed to rain, so i put on one thing.

then, it was sunny and hot for a while, so i changed, and put on another thing.

then, a few hours later, i came out of school and it was raining and cold; the second thing i put on proved a poor shield.

new england weather is so curious!

side note: i have 20 papers to grade tonight. that deserves a big "WAH."

after swearing off cookies...

2009-04-20T15:27:00.002-04:00

i don't know why i bother saying i won't eat cookies, when clearly, i like cookies. who DOESN'T, i ask you? your obvious answer shall demonstrate my point (unless you say, "nobody," in which case, you are sadly misinformed). right. so i did okay all weekend, and then today i was stressed, and though not at all hungry, wanted to eat a cookie. so i bought one. and while at the counter, well, i also bought a bag of peanut butter m&m's. i did not eat the whole bag, but i did eat about half. well, now i have heartburn as a reminder of why i should only eat these types of goodies in moderation.

my goal is to fit into that sundress again. i wore it a year ago at pete's graduation party, and there's pretty much no reason that it shouldn't fit me now. so, i hereby declare, it shall fit again!

i need to swallow my pride and go back to weight watchers. it's not like i hate myself when i go (on the contrary, i rather like myself), but now that it's been about 3 months of not going, i fear the scale. i need to get over it. this thursday, i'm back in the swing.

friday

2009-04-10T12:11:00.002-04:00

finally friday, and finally nice out! i'm totally digging the good weather. i can't wait for the flowers to start blooming in earnest, especially flowering trees! that's always the prettiest, methinks. i wonder if they've got any flowers on the trees at home yet...

hm, i have to stay at school an extra three hours today to meet with some kid about his paper. i'm not looking forward to it, though it'll give me a chance to catch up on Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which i have to read by tuesday and which, as usual, i've only barely started. so far so good, though.

i'm also trying to decide whether i should go down to pete's tonight or not. he's going to a big party tonight and he's bringing punch. i would really like to go. i think, let's me serious, it's not like i'm going to do work on a friday night, anyway. yeah, i'll probably go.

also, i really, REALLY want the following two things: Paul Taylor handmade-to-order sandals ($275) and a Nissan Cube (approx. $13, 995).

five more weeks?

2009-04-08T09:49:00.003-04:00

something like that, anyway. the end is certainly nearing! how nerve-wracking! today's post will be a to-do list of things that need to get done before the end of the semester. i think it will make me feel better. they are in no particular order.

1. write grad paper: "literacy in thomas lodge's rosalynd" 25-30 pgs.
2. write victorian lit paper: "something about fairies and the guy who wrote sherlock holmes" 10 pgs.
3. write grammar paper: "how teacher comments affect student writing" 10 pgs.
4. final grammar exam
5. grade the research paper for my class
6. grade the persuasive paper for my class
7. read Tess of the D'Urbervilles
8. read The Winter's Tale

bother bother

2009-04-06T09:05:00.002-04:00

so, i don't want this to be monday. but what else is new? i have to finish "king lear" today before 5:1o. perfectly do-able, i just don't feel like it.

i had a perfectly annoying conversation with pete last night about how, if we were to get married, we would deal with the fact that i like my traditional catholic services, and he likes his contemporary non-denominational ones. it feels like the only good solution would be for us to meet halfway: traditional protestant services. on the one hand, this bothers me (but i really can't say why...i'm just being selfish, probably), on the other hand, it actually doesn't bother me much (i just went to a United Church of Christ service for palm sunday and was so moved i almost cried). maybe i'm just afraid that my parents will hate me if my children aren't catholic. i know that isn't true, but sometimes it's just an irrational fear. i don't want my kids to feel left out (but is that a bad reason for making a decision one way or the other?) i don't even HAVE KIDS, so i don't know why this is bothering me so much lately. i'm also not getting married anytime soon. bah. i'm just an Anxious Annie...always.

aaand that's my life right now. gotta take a shower, go meet trevor the robot for a conference, then finish king lear.

tower of power

2009-04-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

today is april 3rd! that means the following things are happening:

1. ALLYSON'S BIRTHDAY! i wish she was around so i could hug her. :(

2. tower of power concert tonight at the hampton beach casino ballroom. pete is very, very excited.

3. party at my house for incoming/accepted students to unh for next year.

numbers 2&3 mean i'm going to have a busy day, what with all the cleaning before the party, and all the cleaning after it. i just hope people aren't rowdy and throw up on things. i don't know these people...who knows what they're capable of! i do know that my vacuum is broken and our rug is very sandy and dirty from the winter... whatever. they're a bunch of poets and fiction writers, which means their houses are probably a lot grosser than mine ever will be. but i definitely have to clean the bathroom (which...let's face it...is one of my favorite things).

mhm. that's all. roommate went to go get her license this morning. i wonder if she'll pass the driving test. we'll see in not too long, methinks!

ugh, i don't want to go to school today. if i can find cash maybe i'll drive in. i just don't feel like waiting for the bus today.

last day of spring break

2009-03-22T10:50:00.002-04:00

so, sigh sigh sadness, spring break is over today. it's our one week of vacation the entire semester, and it's coming to a close. now, only eight (count 'em!) eight weeks left of graduate school. i'm just excited to wear a fancier gown at this graduation (i mean, i'll have a hood and bigger sleeves...what more could you want?).

i got the alice paper back, and i did get a good grade. that was quite a relief, but i still have two more papers to write in that class before the semester is over. i'll also have to take two more tests in grammar and write my extended seminar paper in shakespeare. if eight weeks feels long now (and oh, it feels LONG), time is going to fly by with all that work. luckily it's not all due the last week of school, even though some of it is, and that means the possibilities for procrastination are reduced.

and what about after? well, i sent an email to the lady who runs the volunteers at the dover adult education center and she is sending me a packet with some info and an application to volunteer there this spring. i read something on one those "get a job" websites that said if you want a job in a nonprofit (which i think i would) you have to show that you care enough to have volunteered already. this makes perfect sense, so i'm adding that to my long list of to-do's in the last 8 weeks of school. i don't mind because it will be a chance for me to do three things:1. get some experience to see if i really would like it, 2. make some contacts, and 3. actually help people out. i've really felt pretty useless for the past two years and it will be nice to feel like part of a community outside of the university by taking time to help others.

long post, i know. i'm just saying that even though what's to come is going to be hard, and annoying...it won't be long before it's all over. and that will be a little bittersweet, even if i do go tapdancing out the doors of hamilton smith hall in may.

disheartening.

2009-03-13T08:37:00.002-04:00

i still haven't heard from my prof about the alice in wonderland paper that took me forever to write. i'm pretty nervous; since he replies via email with our grades, every time i open my inbox i get nervous that there's going to be a letter from him, telling me that i failed once again to follow the assignment properly. maybe he'll just have pity on me. i ended up kind of liking my paper in the end, but then once i passed it in i hated it again. so anyway, i'm just a ball of nerves until it comes back. it only counts for 20% of my grade, but still.

i will say, though, that last night was great! this has been the longest week ever, yes, but last night i just chatted with brooke and sarah for a while at their house (brooke fed me pea soup, which was delicious), then went with sarah to the pub. we met up with a few others and i befriended this fantastic girl named julie whose dad works at st. mike's. we have much in common (including confusion over why we're even in grad school...) so it was fun to just commiserate with someone instead of having all these uptight english grad students making you feel like a failure because you haven't applied to any PhD programs. ugh. the life of an academic.

like old times

2009-03-04T20:44:00.003-05:00

hm, sometimes living with the roommate is a lot like living with thida, from lowell general.

here is a quote:

"i just bought my car, you know, not thinking that it might cost me money after the initial purchase."

mmmmhhhmmmmm.

worst paper ever

2009-03-02T09:52:00.002-05:00

as usual, i'm experiencing the need to do everything online that does NOT involve writing my paper, because i am a procrastinator.

the paper is about Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and how she views food as her right (she is always taking other people's food), and also a means to an end (to make her change shape). I have no idea where to go from there. So, I'm just tootling along, trying to find something that makes sense.

I should get back to it, but I just wanted to complain for a few.

On the plus side, my prayers were answered! We had a snow day today, so I have no excuse for putting off my work.

new shoes!

2009-02-25T12:23:00.004-05:00

so, i hope i get these before it's supposed to be bad weather again. i just bought a pair of those hiking/walking/rugged/kind of boots-but-sneakers things. i was seriously considering getting a pair of those olive green ones with orange accents (since every shoe company makes a pair, it seems), but i just didn't feel like it was me. i'm not that earthy. so, i went for purple and blue (agh, loser).

i'm going to try to post a picture here, because i think they are really cute.

blogs

2009-02-24T19:45:00.003-05:00

i like reading other people's blogs. i wonder how some of them get so popular? probably because they have a purpose beyond just informing people about their daily goings-on. so, in an apparent move to remain completely anonymous on the internet, i will describe my daily goings-on:

1. haha (in the meanest way possible): roommate bought a used 1990 volvo 24o, thinking that it would solve all her problems because volvos are so incredibly awesome and never break (according to her). she got a quote for the inspection and it needs a LOT of work...$700 worth. don't tell me your used car is the shit. i have one, and i know, a used car is a used car is a used car, even if it is a volvo.

2. teehee: every now and then i spend the entire bus ride to school dreaming about what me and pete's babies will look like. today my imaginary babies looked especially cute. if that is not the most disgusting thing i've ever said, i don't know what is.

3. boo: all my family is still in europe, and all i want to do is call them. i spend a good few minutes every day picking up the phone to dial, only to realize that nobody will answer until next week.

4. ugh: planning a 25th wedding anniversary party is AWFUL. don't ever do it if you can avoid it. actually, i think it's only awful because other people are involved. somehow it would be less terrible if i were the only one planning. is this because i am a perfectionist? no, i don't think so. micro-manager, yes; perfectionist, no. i don't care if it something gets done crappily if i do it that way, but when someone else starts taking short cuts, oh dear. basically i just wish we were going out to T-Bones with just the five of us, but it's turning into a 100-guest affair (complete with SAVE THE DATES and PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS). kill me now. on the plus side, bethany and i are making sure coconut bras will somehow be incorporated.

that was my day. or at least, that's what i thought about all day (not to mention some thoughts on english 401 planning, as well as some thinking about dracula, which we just read in victorian literature. good, good, good book.).

ugh

2009-02-18T20:11:00.002-05:00

today was going great until i had coffee. then i felt pretty terrible.

i don't know what i do this to myself, because every time i drink coffee it upsets my stomach. on the plus side, i had really productive conferences with my students today! they are all willing to take interesting and exciting risks with their writing, which is very rewarding for a writing instructor. i wish i could post some of the drafts they've written (they're about to hand in the third draft on tuesday) because they've made some huge leaps. it's so satisfying!

also, i know someone whose dad worked at saint mike's! it was so great. i love me some saint michael's college. i miss it.

but my time at university of new hampshire grows short and i still don't know what i'm going to do, so...i should get over smc and start thinking about the future. well, i can't stop thinking about the future, and that's causing some severe anxiety in my life. blah blah. future.

at least aubrey is coming to visit tomorrow! we will go to dave spicy house and sing karaoke, and it will be grand.

and my students shall blog

2009-01-31T16:42:00.002-05:00

in first-year english, students almost always write some kind of one week journal, just to get a feel for that kind of writing. we read excerpts from joan didion and anne frank, we talk about why people write in journals, etc.

this semester, instead of having them physically write, i'm having the create blogs. i'd say about 75% were completely resistant (which surprised me, since every one of them has a facebook...perhaps blogging has a stigma?), but i am LOVING reading them. some are really boring, some are pseudo-intellectual, but most are just what the students care to share about their days, and as a person who finds joy in the mundane (and apparently, also in voyuerism...why else would i like to know what some student in my class was doing on a saturday morning at home?), they are giving me great pleasure. i hope they continue to write in them even after next thursday is over. :)

new semester, new year, new attitude?

2009-01-21T20:27:00.003-05:00

okay, so last semester didn't go as well as i would have liked. i still ended up with an A and an A-, but really, after reading the comments on both my papers, i'm disappointed in myself. i know i can do better, i just didn't try much until the last week of school, and that never works out.

so, i'm going to be much better this semester! i have to be, because it's the last one and i'd like to leave on a high note. i'm already doing well. i did homework today for my grammar class on friday, i started reading the book that needs to be done by monday, and i'm pretty much done planning my class tomorrow morning. i just re-organized my desk, backpack, and bags, too, so that makes me feel much better. now if only i could clean the living room (it would be a lot easier if my roommate weren't sleeping in it indefinitely), i would be on cloud 9!

actually i had a really great day today. class got out at 12, then i bought my books, took the 2:10 bus home, went to brooke's and ate some of the delicous beef stew she had cooked up, read and did homework, went to get mexican food with sarah around 6:30, then came home, chatted with pete for a few minutes, and came up here to organize. my one sadness is that i didn't make it to my weight watchers meeting tonight, but i will go tomorrow instead.

i am so excited about this year going so well already!!!

snow!

2008-12-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

ugh, i knew it wouldn't work. i posted yesterday but my internet was going in and out, so i didn't think it would go through. i was right.

well, here's a little update: there's a paper due tomorrow and i'm probably 40% done with it. that translates into doing the other 60% all today (i've had WEEKS to do that 40). oh, procrastination, how i loathe thee. i always try to get my act together and always fail to do so. as long as the end result is a desirable one, i guess it's not all bad. anyway, today is a perfect day to do nothing but work because it's snowing. my car is covered, the driveway hasn't been plowed, and i made cinnamon buns for breakfast. this all equals the perfect recipe for being productive, methinks.

update: i have already been productive today! i have a good feeling.

movin' right along

2008-12-09T09:31:00.003-05:00

one class done, two more to go. today was the last day of english 401, the class i teach. only 19 of the 24 students showed up, so i'm only getting 19 evaluations. this could be good or it could be bad. the students that didn't come today are usually good and i enjoy working with them, so i am a little disappointed not to have evals from them. ah well. they're all too busy working on their more important classes. i gave them (what i thought was) an inspirational speech about having purpose in their lives. i probably touched nobody, but it actually reminded me of why i'm here in the first place. i'm forced to re-evaluate my own purpose here.

i'm sick of this semester, but i think that's the only reason i hate my work. generally i enjoy what i do, i just have the end of the semester blues. now that i've gotten some work done i feel much better. today a rough draft presentation is due at 1:10, then tomorrow i've got a final draft due at 9:40, and then i'm FREE to work on the rough draft until next week (the 18th). it will feel great only working on one thing at a time.

okay, time to get back to work. but wait! one last thing! here's a picture of my new hat. i picked it out, pete bought it for my birthday present. :) i've been wearing it all weekend and into the week.

stuck at the 'brary

2008-11-21T15:57:00.002-05:00

surprise surprise. coco proves, once again, to be an idiot. i was being a diligent student and getting my work done at the library, and really wanted to take the 3:40 bus. BUT since i wasn't keeping track of time, i walked outside and what did i see? the 3:40 bus driving away. the next one isn't for another hour. ugh. i just want to go hoooome. i wish my car wasn't broken again.

also, i sort of lied to get out of a conference today (for a good reason!) with my professor, and then, of course, i saw him in the hallway exactly when we were supposed to be conferencing. lying always, always, always bites me in the ass. whatever. the good reason was that i didn't have anything to say to him because i hadn't done my homework yet. well, it's not a good reason, but it is a reason. i would have been wasting his time otherwise. oh my god, i am the worst graduate student ever.

mayo cookies

2008-11-10T18:24:00.003-05:00

in an effort to further procrastinate, i decided to make something sweet this evening. so, horror of horrors, when i found, looking through fanny farmer, that every cookie and cake recipe calls for eggs, i thought i was through. i'm poor! i don't have any eggs! alexa has one egg left, and i felt bad using it for sweet-stuff purposes.

sooooo, here's the world's greatest no-egg fix:

mayonnaise! right, i know, you can also use applesauce, or bananas, or some oil and some baking powder, but i didn't have any of those things. but i did have mayo. it makes sense, since eggs and oil are pretty much the only things in mayonnaise.

here's the recipe (so, so, so easy):

1 cup of sugar
1 cup of mayo
2 cups flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

combine everything in a bowl. roll into small balls and dip balls in some extra granulated sugar. press sugared balls with fork. put in 350 degree oven for 10 minutes.

this makes a lot of cookies.

and i snickered pretty much the whole way through that last paragraph. heh.

enjoy your mayonnaisey cookies!

UPDATE: so now that i have actually eaten one of these mayo cookies, i can better report back. basically, they taste like cookies you made when you were missing ingredients. they taste fine, and are especially enhanced by dipping in milk, and they are cute, too, but they aren't the world's greatest cookie, by any means. also, the texture is a bit cake-like. still, for cookies made on the cheap, they're just what the doctor ordered.

rent is duuuuuue.

2008-10-01T13:15:00.003-04:00

It's that time of the month again! No, not menstrual time. That's right, RENT time! It's the first of the month, and I've got to scrounge up enough money to pay ye olde rente. Actually, I think I've got enough to pull it off and also have a little extra for spending money.

I just found out that there's a decent little Goodwill here in Dover, so I really need to check it out. Ever since I lost my favorite sweatshirt (doesn't ANYONE know where it is?!) I want a replacement.

new blog!

2008-09-03T14:56:00.004-04:00

i finally have an excuse to start up another blog. not that it was terribly important to have a single one in the first place, but the new one will have a purpose, and that's a good feeling. writing this always feels a little aimless (jen, i think you're the only one who ever sees it anyway...basically it's just an ongoing letter to you).

the new one is for a class. the prof suggested we have a special place to put down musings on particular lines, maybe even words, in our reading. it won't be so much notes on the reading as thoughts on particular, isolated ideas or concepts within the reading. also, she said we could turn it into a blog, so i'll be doing just that. just in case you're interested in reading, i'm going to post the link here and in the profile of this blog. yip!

http://hercommonplace.blogspot.com/

i'm back!

2008-08-28T10:51:00.003-04:00

well, here i am, back in the seacoast region of lovely new hampshire and excited about the year ahead. the new apartment is adorable, and so far it's working out great. my roommate hasn't really lived here yet, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. she's moving in on monday, so that'll be nice. i hate being alone, it makes me fat. well, it makes me engage in very fatty behavior, like eating a lot out of boredom. but speaking of weight-loss, i am again turning a new leaf! i'm online right now trying to find a good dover bike trail, but not seeing one, after lunch i'm going to make one up myself and just get out there and ride. it's a beautiful day and i really could use the exercise. i might also go to the gym. then, weight watchers will begin next week, and i'll be on the right track again! i feel good. k.c. inspired me with his 35 pound weight-shed, so i'm pretty stoked. gotta go!

life update

2008-05-20T14:25:00.003-04:00

first, papers: 1 down, 1 to go. i am closish to finishing the second. i'm on the seventh page single spaced...it needs to be ten. so, it's getting there. i can't wait for the double-space moment (even though i know i could just double it...meaning i have about 13 pages at the moment...still, it feels so good when you finally see the number).

second, bike: holy shit, so not easy to ride. it is WARPED, which means it makes it really hard to balance the bike when someone is riding on the back. i think i have to bring it in for a tune up. i do not know how much that will cost, but i bet it isn't going to be cheap. but! it'll be worth it, because even though it was scary, it was still really fun.

third, new favorite song: Paper Planes, by M.I.A.. can't stop listening to it!

umm

2008-05-16T22:14:00.002-04:00

i wish this paper would just write itself.

gotta go!

this paper ain't gonna write itself...

pic of the new bike

2008-05-11T13:15:00.002-04:00

heh. just thought i'd flaunt my latest purchase. anyone who wants to go for a ride this sumsum give me a call. :)

spring!

2008-05-11T12:48:00.002-04:00

i just love when the weather is fine, the leaves are rustling, and the sun makes you warm. the only think i wish is that i could take my compy outside and do my work out there. i tried it but i couldn't see the screen because of the sunny glare. poo poo. all i can hope to do now is get lots of work done so i don't feel bad about calling it quits at 4 and taking a nap on the lawn.

after having done absolutely nothing for the past two days (i am serious when i say this. i spent all of saturday watching an america's next top model marathon on mtv), i need a reason not to feel like a bad daughter on mother's day. if i can justify staying here instead of going home by being productive, i'll feel better.

so far, so good. i am just tip-tap-typing away on my little edith wharton paper, and that is goo-ood.

i'm feeling great!

bee-tee-dubs: I BOUGHT A 1950s TANDEM SCHWINN.

i felt productive today

2008-04-27T20:53:00.003-04:00

tilly and the wall is definitely my new favorite.

they use tap shoes in their music! "rainbows in the dark" is my favorite. check it out on youtube.

le sigh. toronto trip is a go-go (i bought tickets to see evil dead: the musical in Toronto on June 6, 2008, so...yeah, it's happening).

yip!

*if anyone has any good toronto tips or ideas, lemme know. i have the old standbys all down, like museums, zoos, fancier nightclubs, etc., but if you have an insider's knowledge, tell me!

takin' a page from creeden?

2008-04-26T22:36:00.002-04:00

well...two more weeks before those papers are due. they aren't any more done now than they were two weeks ago. okay that's a lie. each one is about four pages more done than they were. that's clearly not saying much for my ability to get myself together.

and so it begs the question: why am i even here? if i procrastinate like crazy, am constantly annoyed by my work, and can't wait for summer to start...why am i here? i like learning! i like class! but do i only like those things when they keep me from having a "real" job? i think the short answer is a resounding "yes."

officemate bryan keeps urging me to pursue my mfa in creative nonfiction. that'd be cool, for sure, but it's doubtful i have the chops. i think that maybe the worst thing in the world is realizing that you're not as great as you wanted people to think you were.

actually, maybe the worst thing in the world is not giving yourself credit.

but then you question yourself again, and wonder, well, maybe i'm thinking too much of myself if i think i'm not giving myself enough credit. maybe there's no credit to be deserved! maybe i'm exactly what i'm afraid of being: a mediocre graduate student at a mediocre graduate school writing mediocre english papers that are (let's be completely honest, here) absolutely pointless. the only people who read them are my professors, and they don't think they're that great. even if i were to get something published (longshot!) the only people who would read it are other english majors doing papers on stuff i wrote about. that's the way it works. it's just a closed-off circle of english major people doing stupid theoretical english major stuff that doesn't even matter in life! IT'S SO DUMB.

but, i guess i like it.

back ta woik

2008-04-15T18:06:00.002-04:00

it is becoming that time of the semester that everyone hates. it's too nice out to do work!

i have forty pages (total) due by the the second week of may. that gives me about four weeks. it's obviously possible, and i'm going to do it, but i really, really don't want to.

maybe tonight i'll get a jump on it and write a few pages of a paper, just so i don't feel bad this weekend when i really want to be doing other things, like going to the beach or napping or riding my bike.

blah. i have a boring life and a boring blog.

what's going on here?

2008-04-11T10:32:00.002-04:00

i woke up this morning (at 4:00 am, mind you) to the fact that my knee was asleep. what? can knees even do that? the answer would seem to be yes, and it still feels weird since then. of course i got really nervous about it so i didn't sleep much after that, until probably 6, then woke up at 9:30. i wonder: does it just feel weird because i can't stop thinking about it, or does it actually feel weird? this is the question i must ask myself every time i get a weird feeling in my body.

i'm going to get a check-up as soon as i get home. i'm sick of being worried.

also, i'm not letting myself look this symptom up on webmd...it'll just worry me more.

ugh.

three-scuit

2008-03-27T18:19:00.002-04:00

there is hardly anything better in this life than a triscuit with a bit of laughing cow garlic and herb cheese smeared generously all over it.

that said, i think i'll put a few excerpts from the non-fiction essay (is that what you even call it?) i've been working on in here. helpful comments are welcome.

Title: "Re-Stored"

"...Of course, it wasn’t the clothes I was looking to evade, but the people inhabiting them. Those campus drones blindly following each other in and out of Abercrombie (thanks Gram and Gramps!), American Eagle, (thanks Mom and Dad!) and Aeropostale (thanks Reference Desk work study!) were a constant source of discomfort for me. They were tiring. There was something missing. There was no grit. Anyone with a bad attitude had, in my opinion, no right to it; those with fluorescent smiles shimmering at me from across the quad were, at best, incomplete sketches of what a “real” human was.
And so I found myself in my car, zipping along to find the nearest parking space to the entrance, to maximize the time I could spend in the store before my walking date. I shifted my car into park with my right hand, while opening the door with my left. The car was barely off before my sneakers hit the asphalt. I sped across the fire lane and leapt through the automatic double doors.

...K-Mart is a wonderfully anonymous place that accepts all kinds. People who must share my disease walked with furrowed brows among the racks of clothing, searching for the ugliest bolero jacket or most ill-fitting neon tube-top. I floated over to the shoe department and slipped my foot into a four-inch platform foam sandal, plastic jewels glittering under buzzing lights. A woman with two screaming children and probably a headache gave me an approving glance as I hobbled up the aisle in search of a foot mirror, one foot in a sneaker, the other strapped into the new shoe. Because of my disease, these sandals were starting to grow on me, and The Mommy’s approval had fueled my desire. Trying on the other sandal and finding it a bit more snug than the first (damn these un-identical feet of mine!), I decided to look at one more aisle. I waddled around to the other side, my feet still in the foam shoes and attached by a short elastic band.

...I sped to the checkout and a crusty woman, probably a Gladys or a Bernadette, passed the scanner across the tag attached to my shoes. She must have noticed the twinkle in my eye, because she made some snarky comment about the shoes’ attractiveness being inversely related to the size of my grin. I agreed that they weren’t the wisest style choice, but at only three dollars, how could I resist? On this point, the Gladys couldn’t disagree.
“I love this place!” I gushed to her, practically glowing at the thought of parading around campus in my treasures the next day.
I would eventually discover that pink canvas Mary Janes match pretty much nothing, that they look stupid with pants and skirts alike, that they are the subject of occasional ridicule, and that they make the backs of my feet bleed. But for that afternoon, as I skipped out of the store and tossed the plastic bag into the backseat, zooming off to traipse through the woods on a warm May day with a favorite English professor, I felt restored."

hm

2008-03-20T11:17:00.002-04:00

heading off to see Avenue Q today around 3:30. i have to say that i'm pretty excited about it. anything involving puppets is always a-okay in my book, and the fact that they're often inappropriate just makes it that much better.

also, it's an excellent way of getting me out of a house filled with food that i shouldn't be eating, like girl scout cookies (oh, how i love thin mints), candy, and meatballs. not to mention it's a great way of avoiding the paper i'm supposed to be writing at this very moment. not to say that i haven't started it, because i have, but i just really don't feel like doing it. that's probably a bad sign. eh. suck it, paper.

p.s. it's the "s is for sucks" 5th year anniversary: Trogday '08

aaaaaaaand just a little of this: it doen't have wings

fake break

2008-03-14T11:27:00.002-04:00

i walked into my room last night only to find it even cleaner than when i left it. i hadn't thought that was possible. anthony claims it smells a lot better now that i don't live in it, and now that mum has purged it of most remaining memories. there's still some stuff, just not a lot of it. wah.

i have a lot of work to do this week, and i was hoping that it would be nice and relaxing. i was also hoping that my toilet would not break, but then, (fill in cliche here). i left the door to my apartment open so the landpeople could get in and fix the john. my only concern is that there's toilet paper in it. i mean, not wads. well, yes, wads...but not giant ones. 'twas just a little pee, and then i couldn't flush. the handle would depress and nothing would happen. it could have been a lot worse. i could have poo-ed. or, i could have had my period, and that would have been supremely awful. so big jim should be happy it's the lesser of all evils.

the broken toilet was a nice symbol of all that my life is at the moment. hopefully by next week the literal and metaphorical toilets will all be flushing properly.

burlesque!

2008-03-04T19:26:00.000-05:00

i don't know why she's so fascinating to me, but dirty martini might just be my new favorite person.

in addition to going to see a drag show, my life won't be complete until i witness some real-life burlesque. it looks like so much fun! i can't imagine how difficult it must be to swing one boob at a time for tassle-twirling action, and i'm not willing to humiliate myself to personally find out, but i am willing to marvel at someone else's ridiculous arts of seduction.

apple zapple

2008-02-29T12:53:00.000-05:00

it's a beautiful sunny day, and what am i doing? searching for my probably-dead cat on area humane society websites and updating a blog that one person reads. well, whatever. i found another cat that i want, and he fulfills my two feline requirements: big and cuddly. his name is mittens, and since he was a stray, that means he doesn't know his name anyway. therefore, a re-name to something more suitable, like "gloves" or "sir wexley fitzwilliam pawsykins the third," would be perfectly reasonable.

oh bother; i just received a call that allyson is on her way and now i have to clean because she expects me to feed her. i bought some "apple dapples" from market basket (it's their more cardboardy version of "apple jacks"), and offered them to her. she declined over the phone, proclaiming, "i would never eat anything called "apple zapples!"

i can only imagine how much better anything would taste with a name like "apple zapple."

but she's almost here, and i'm in my jim-jams, and all of my dishes are dirty. bah.

don't banish them from your mind

2008-02-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

"Grandpa Seth has remained in all our hearts, but you must banish him from your mind."

so says the character of "mom" in my favorite of all time: troll 2.

to my delight they are having a double-feature in the student union building on thursday night, featuring not only troll 2, but manos: the hands of fate, as well.

pete is intrigued, and i cannot wait. it's been months since i've seen either, and i've had to whet my appetite with snippets on youtube. i cannot wait for the saving grace of a double-decker bologna sandwich. oh grandpa seth, what great advice you give!

under the truck

2008-02-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

wellwellwell. quite a weekend i've had already, and it's only saturday morning.

aubrey came to visit, as promised, and due to the foul weather she stayed an extra day! that was marvelous, because we went to kathleen's and had a great time playing some ridiculous game called "celebrity," a mix between catch phrase and charades.

also, i fell on the ice. under a truck. not a moving truck, mind you. a very stationary one. still, HIGH-larious, if i do say so m'self. i landed flat on my stomach, with the lower half of my body underneath a large, parked pick-up. i was warned of the ice, but heeded it not! to my delight, someone who came in after me (who i had forewarned via phone re the likelihood of slipping under a truck), came in, covered with snow, and pronounced, with a tone of i'm-mad-because-i'm-carrying-beer-and-i-fell-on-ice: "i fell under the truck." i erupted into a fit of giggles and tears because falling is always funny, and somehow, her falling justified my own incident.

oh, and lest i forget: aubrey and i also played a couple exciting rounds of Life: Twists and Turns, and this gem of a card came up:

heh.

mhm

2008-02-21T22:09:00.000-05:00

post-it dancing fun!

it's thoisdee

2008-02-21T08:16:00.000-05:00

well, here we are. the beginning of the end of another week. aubrey is coming to visit tonight, which should be grand; tomorrow, we visit dave spicy house!

i did another jennifer galardi workout this morning. i have to say, even though it's only twenty minutes, i sweat more than i had been with the other workouts i have. i could make it longer, but i only had time for a two-oh, because i have a presentation today in american modernisms and i have to keep prepping for it.

actually i don't think it'll be disastrous, though it might be boring. that's fine with me. as long as i can manage to blab on for about fifteen minutes i'll be okay, and if peggy goes after me, that's even better. nobody will ask me questions, if that's the case.

also, my landlady big jim are going away for the week. i'm glad aubrey's coming this eve. also, weight watchers tonight, so we'll see if this galardi business has been paying off.

obligatory new blog post

2008-02-19T21:09:00.001-05:00

acting on a suggestion, i've joined millions of others (all of us would-be writers/artists/journalists/musicians/perverts) by publishing my very own blog. admittedly, becoming one with the blogosphere will take some time. i have neither the will nor the desire to trudge through whatever mundane thoughts someone else decides to commit to virtual paper, but for some reason, i hold out hope that a better person than i will happen upon this particular blog, and find something to relate to, i guess.

i don't even know what to write about. life, as usual, will have to suffice.

currently, i'm trying to create a presentation about modernism and post-modernism for a class aptly titled "american modernisms." on the downside, my presentation is going to be boring and sucky. on the upside, i will be following a general trend of in-class suckiness. only one fellow student has had a decent presentation, and that included film clips (it has been my experience that the best presentations always include film clips, regardless of how lame the clips may be when viewed separately). i have been trying my hardest to get something with pieces of movies going, but i think it's too late now, since class is in two days. i was going to maybe show a little of a modernist film (perhaps an old film noir, like double indemnity), and then a little post-modernist film, like pulp fiction, but that would mean i'd not only have to watch them both and get good spots for comparison, but i'd also have to have something bright to say about each's role in modernism. blegh.

that's all for today, i suppose. sorry it wasn't cool.