thanks

Days like this have been few and far between lately, so, I guess it makes sense that I was due for one. Today, I feel totally useless and talentless. I feel like a drain on society. I feel like I'll only ever be qualified for a part-time job as a secretary. (Did I mention I LOST MY STUDENT'S GRADES?) In short, I feel pretty crappy. Probably because I started looking at MSLIS programs again, and it became overwhelming. Regardless, I've decided to counter this new bout of blue thoughts with sunny thanksgiving. Here goes:

Today, I'm thankful for:
the best, most fun family ever.
a genuinely nice, honest, and jovial husband (who cooked me dinner last night!).
the upcoming christmas season.
a roof, running water, and a warm place to sleep.
my jobs.
a car that works.
zero wedding debt.
a sunny day.
friends who like being friends with me.
health! vigor! (vim?)

I do. I feel better. Honest!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Remember to be thankful, because there's so much to give thanks for.

nanowrimo!

I just like saying "nanowrimo."

Here's what I don't like: realizing that every time I try to write any fiction it comes out seeming either half-assed or a lot like an autobiography. Why can't I just make stuff up without it sounding like crap, or worse, without it sounding forced.

That's okay, because the joy of nanowrimo is that you just write. It's impossible to worry about the nitty-gritty "I sound like a phony, I don't want Holden Caufield to hate me," business, because you've only got THIRTY DAYS to write 50,000 words. So it's just all a bunch of crap, anyway.

I am having fun exploring characters, and learning from them about what they do and where they go. Sometimes they do things that I definitely did not anticipate, so that's exciting. It's also annoying, because things start getting...different...than what I originally planned on. That's where the forcedness comes in, I guess. Sorry! Just trying to stick to my purpose! I imagine my characters rolling their eyes.

Also, holy dark, Batman! I guess I just have a thing for melodrama.

livejournal

So...my livejournal posts are about 800-times smarter and are more well-written than these.

I guess I have some things to think about, then. Maybe I should ditch this and move back to LJ. It kind of reminds me of how I've gotten progressively dumber the longer I've stayed in academia.

Maybe I just need to post more often.

In other news: NANOWRIMO! National Novel Writing Month fast approaches, and I'm actually going to try and do it this year. The goal is to write 50,000 words by November 30th. So, it's a novel-writing frenzy, and as you might imagine, most of the novels that are spewed forth from NaNoWriMo are complete crap. Still, I think any writing effort is worth, well, the effort, and it's all in good fun. So, if you're doing it, be my writing friend! My username is cocobutter.

t-minus 5

I've been going back and forth this past week between utter joy and total confusion. When did this happen? How? And more importantly, why?

So, in homage to the great institution of Marriage, and also in a final attempt at self-reassurance, I've decided to compile my thoughts on an oft-contested way of life:

1. I think marriage should be between two people who love each other unconditionally, and who come to the mutual agreement that they want to spend and build their lives together. And that's pretty much my only criteria (of course there are caveats...like no creepy kidnappers who want to marry 13-year-old girls, for example).

2. Yes, 50% of people who get married get divorced. But we don't know all the details. And according to this, 75% of people who divorce get re-married. That tells me one thing: marriage is worth the trouble. Otherwise, more people who were divorced would swear off it for good. I'm not celebrating that so many marriages end with a divorce, but I AM celebrating the fact that there must have been enough good within the institution itself that they gave it another try.

3. I find the idea of sharing my life with someone else endlessly exhilerating. All that learning, growing, and changing that happens between two people is certainly what I would consider a positive aspect to marriage. The idea of having a built-in best friend is so fantastic to me!

4. We've become a people of instant gratification and low-commitment. People say that a lot, but think about how true it is: we're channel-surfing TiVo-ers, we'll buy pre-peeled potatoes and pre-cut celery, at a restaurant we'd like our food to be presented to us without delay, and we really just hate to be in one place for too long. We are seldom in silence, or solitude. Car leases allow us to trade up every couple years. We have short memories (you probably haven't thought much about BP lately...neither have I!). What a challenge, then, for us to make this promise: that we will love someone for as long as we live (read: until we're dead). We're confronted with so few real challenges anymore! It's refreshing to have to try and work at something, especially when we think it's worth the effort. There's a kind of glory in continuity (not to be sappy (PUN!), but it's not unlike being around for a long time to watch a tree you planted grow into something fruit-bearing or shade-producing).

5. I was fortunate to grow up with an excellent model for a good marriage. My parents are not perfect, and they sometimes get angry with each other. There have been times that one has hurt the other. But, those times are often followed by peaceful apologies. They have always been loving toward us and loving toward each other. I know that they have made many sacrifices and compromises--shock!--but it is only through sacrifice that they have been able to cultivate a constant mutual love and understanding. I hope my marriage is as loving and happy (and fun and light-hearted!) as theirs.

That's probably about it. I'm not married yet, but it is for the above reasons that I can't wait. I'm up for the challenge! I'm ready to live a life of purpose!

And for what it's worth, I think everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is capable of the kind of lasting, loving, selfless relationship I'm talking about here. I think everyone should get the opportunity to scream it from the rooftops, or to get it printed in his or her local paper (see here).

good-bye, gladys.

Well, that's the end of her. Gladys is dead, and the proceeds are benefitting NHPR (I think). With her leaky trunk, rusted spare, broken passenger-side window, wilted ceiling, dented side, seized calipers, and broken radio, you'd think I'd be doing leaps for joy! Well, you'd think right. But first I had a moment of silence in that old hunk of metal.

I thanked her for not breaking down until I pulled into my driveway.

I yelled at the chipmunks that tried to make a home in her engine.

I lovingly gave her a last, thorough vacuuming.

Together we sat in silence, as I reminisced about our days traveling to Vermont, New York, and Maine.

I turned the reading lamps on and off.

When I came home today from Manchester--my not-so-distant-future home--she was gone.

...moving on. Did you hear I bought a new car? :)