well, it's something

since there don't seem to be any prospective employers pounding down my door, I finally decided that enough was enough. "i'm taking my life into my own hands," i said to myself. so...i got conned into selling chocolate. as in, a kind of edible tupperware party. the more i think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds and is. but at least it gives me some kind of goal (sales goals...money goals), it gives me something to do at least once a week, and now i can worry about this for a while instead of worrying about what's so wrong with me that i can't find a normal job.

i also called the adult learning center in nashua to see if i could be a volunteer tutor. i hope i get called back soon about it.

i'm continuing my daily employment search, of course, but at least i feel like i have some purpose now. i just wish it wasn't in-home sales. but hey, if i can make 200 dollars at a 2 hour party, i'll probably be singing a different tune.

shmiking

first, may i please start with this: http://www.buycostumes.com/Eight-Is-Too-Much-Adult-Wig/65620/ProductDetail.aspx ?

do what you will with it. courtney, my electrologist, told me about it and i just had to find it online. now i have given you this awesome gift, dear readers.

in other news, i've been biking like crazy! well, okay maybe not like crazy, but a lot more than usual. yesterday i rode my bike to aubrey's, the day before that i rode around the neigborhood for about 8 miles, and i've been trying to get to lyndsay's house every now and again for bike rides. ah, it's fun. i'm especially happy about the rack on the back of the bike, because i could strap down a little satchel of clothes and stuff--perfect for bringing all of my shower things and a change of clothes to aubrey's! good stuff.

food-wise, i've been off the ball a little bit. today back to point counting.

great, great, great!

if you couldn't tell from the title of this post, yesterday was a fairly fantastic day.

1. i got my bike!! it's in beautiful condition now, and it is a new rack on the back of it so i can carry things like baskets of picnic food or groceries or flowers. i am obviously a bicycle-basket-romanticizer, but come on. all things are possible with baskets attached to your bike.

2. i exercised twice! i went to the gym and did a fairly traditional, boring workout of treadmill and stairs, some resistance training, and some modified yoga stretching. later, after dinner, i went to lyndsay's and we went for a short bike ride (2.2 miles...not much on a bike, but there were some uphills, so all was not lost).

3. i ate well, and was never dissatisfied! because i was busy all day with things here and there, i never had much time to sit down and think about how bored i was. as a result, i didn't snack at all, and the meals i chose were healthy (except dinner, which was pancakes. but since pancakes are so delicious, i didn't mind).

4. i discovered i have lost 2.5 pounds in the last week and a half! this is exciting news.

and even though there was a sad point in my day (ripping open the envelope from the school i applied to for the position of guidance assistant and finding myself rejected...i didn't know they did rejection letters in the world of work), i used it as ammunition to fuel my desire for stability in all other areas.

points: 29 (2 over, i blame the pancakes)
exercise: 4 points, or about 50 minutes.

sunday funday

well...not completely fun. after visiting my grandmother i waited around for a few hours before any plans solidified, which meant i had time to sit in my room and organize stuff. it could have taken all of a half hour if i could just focus, but i couldn't, so it took longer and became more annoying. now the pile is gone from my floor, though, and the final box is emptied! now i just have to clear off the stuff from my desk, and my room will be clean! of course, it has taken three weeks for me to get to this point...and as i look around right now, i see something else that needs to get done before my room is "clean." ugh. oh well.

as far as food is concerned, yesterday was kind of pell-mell. i had a decent breakfast of cereal and milk, then we went to my grandmother's where i had two small blueberry muffins (i hadn't eaten lunch and i couldn't find the strength to eat only one). after that i came home and found i was still hungry for lunch, so i had another bowl of cereal and milk. then until dinner i just kept nibbling...a peach, about 10 marshmallows, a pudding snack cup, some goldfish...but after dinner happened i was pretty much done (except for the cheese curls that found their way into my lap later in the night). i really need to work on snacking less. the snacks are my boredom/frustration food...when i don't have anything to do, or don't know what i want to do, or when i'm waiting around for something to happen, i just eat whatever is in sight. that needs to stop, methinks.

exercise: none. lyndsay invited me for a bike ride but my bike isn't back from the shop yet. hopefully it will be today!

beach time, beach food

lovely, LOVELY day at the beach yesterday! i was so happy that i got to meet up with brooke and enjoy some quality time doing one of the things i love best: "swimming" in the ocean. the water wasn't even that cold! it was, i might even argue, kind of warm compared to the last beach day i had (three weeks ago in ogunquit...very windy, very VERY cold water). i will live within biking distance to the ocean someday.

of course, with the beach comes (dun dun duuunnn) beach food. delicious, greasy, fatty, fried beach food. here's what i wanted: a fried dough, ice cream, deep fried oreos, fudge, Sal's pizza, an italian sausage sub, richie's italian ice.

the good news is, here's what i actually got: a single slice of veggie pizza (greasy, yes), a small fat-free frozen yogurt (i only ate half!), a caramel apple. in between i ate goldfish crackers and an applesauce. now, it still does seem like a lot of bad food, BUT...compared to what it could have been, well, i think it was a beach success.

exercise: walking around a lot to and from the beach to get said snacks, cavorting in the water for hours.
points: (rough estimate) 39. that's 12 OVER my daily allowance, BUT i have 35 weekly points that i can pull from, and the excess is only because i had papa gino's for dinner at 10:30 when i was starving and should have gone to bed but didn't. for a true vacation day, i don't think it was all that bad.

doctor's office

so, yesterday i went with my mom in the morning to take care of my grandmother for the day. it's not so bad when she isn't complaining the whole time about how nobody lets her eat (it's sad...she forgot she ate breakfast, and since she has diabetes her food is pretty regulated, so my mom couldn't let her have anything else. she fought with my mom for like ten minutes about how everyone is trying to starve her to death). after a hilarious lunch (she kept telling me my shirt was too revealing, and as a result, kept putting her hands down my shirt or on my boobs. "how can i help it," she asked, "when they're right in my face?!") we went to the doctor with her.

i didn't exercise yesterday. it was so damn hot, and i felt tired after taking care of the grandmother. i ate 29 points, which is 2 over my point allotment. it's because i had doritos with dinner. ah well.

for the most part, though, i made good choices with food all day, so i was happy with myself about that.

today i'm going to look at a craigslist bike for $150 down the street, which is very exciting! i'm also waiting for lisa to come pick me up from manchester. she's a half hour late, which is good, because i had time to do my hair. bad, because i'm hungry and want lunch. i think i'm going to have a salad for lunch today.

that's all! i'm in a pretty happy mood.

it's not a diet.

back to counting ww points, and this time (as always, but not really) i mean it for real.

for many people, weighing what i currently weigh would be a wake-up call. no, i should rephrase that. if they suddenly woke up one day and weighed what i weigh, it would be a moment of all-out anxious panic. when a friend told me she was nearing the 25o mark this week, all i could think about was that it isn't so hard to get there, really. people gasp at numbers, and can't imagine how a person could become, say, 800 pounds. well, i'll tell you right now, it's really easy to get to 200, so i can only imagine how simple it is to pack on 600 more.

basically what i'm saying is that my "wake-up call" was not so much the thought that i don't want to end up like my friend, but the thought that there are people out there who don't want to end up like me.

and this is not to say i feel bad for myself, or feel like some kind of victim of culture. i just feel i need to get real with a number of things: goals, performance, and persistence. in the joyous nature of turning over a new leaf, i now present you with the following information:

1. this blog is about to be taken over by my food and exercise habits.
2. i might even occasionally talk about my clothes.

in addition, i'm going to lay it all out right now, my hopes for myself and some realistic goals.

1. My first goal is to lose ten percent of my body weight. That's about 20 pounds.
2. My second goal is to stop comparing myself to everyone else (fatter and thinner alike). It's not helpful. Everyone is different.
3. My third goal is to make positive decisions every day. It could be the decision to spend five more minutes on the treadmill, or it could be the decision to start sewing a new project.
4. My fourth, and for now final, goal is to stop judging myself when I make choices that might not be the wisest. There's no need to constantly feel guilty, bad, upset, disgusting, or what have you when I see the size of my pants, or when I choose to eat a cookie, or when I see pictures of myself. It is what it is. I'll be a lot happier if I can just take all that as motivation, instead of as more reasons to hate myself.

That's all.

Exercise today: 30 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes weight-train.
Points: 19.5, 7.5 left.

ahem.

my room is ALMOST totally unpacked and clean! it has only taken me a few weeks. I just have a few more piles of stuff to go through. then, i need to go through all my teaching stuff and file it away in some kind of organized manner. then i will be done! and home indefinitely.

pluses of moving back home: there are always people around who will do stuff with you. there's almost always something to do or someone to see. you can go to the gym with your sister or your mom. you might run into people you know at the library (it happened!). you can kind of take your time.

minuses of moving back home: all your stuff (kitchen, bath, den) is in your bedroom. you still feel like there's a curfew, even if there technically isn't. it is expected that your job will be to help your brother with homework. you are routinely grilled about what your life plans are. you feel like you always want to get out.

still, i'm happy to be here, at least for now.