it's been a while

hello, blogosphere! i'm back.

my computer is fixed! new hard drive is in! i have a sinking feeling The Sims broke it. wah.

BUT! i'm very happy that jen has found joy in my Sims game. hooray!

update on the job front:

interview went quite well for the hudson school district today. as much as i want to get out of hudson, i can't really do it with negative dollars in the bank and a car that won't start. SO, i've got to start somewhere! subbing it shall be, at least for now.

still working at david's bridal, though only a few hours a week right now. this week i'm only working THREE hours. that's pitiful.

i've started to send my resume out like crazy again. i took a break when i got the david's gig and my computer broke, but i think i'm feeling like i'm ready to start again. it takes a lot out of you, and you see the same ads listed on every stupid website, but i'm pushing resumes out there like crazy. "cast your net wide," as they say.

i have an interview/meeting with a woman from a temp agency in boston on thursday. that could also lead to some interesting prospects if i don't totally mess it up. it's for admin assisting, which i know i can do, but i'm hoping i can score something a little more socially redeemable than just some admin job at a giant corporation in boston. we'll see. beggars can't be choosers.

things are getting interesting

Well, no "real" job yet, but my first chocolate party went REALLY well (sales-wise). I sold over $1,000 worth of merchandise which means, I think, that I can make up to 45% commission. That's awesome. That is just TWO HOURS of work!

I have another party set up for Wednesday, and I'm working on getting some other people signed up.

I'm kind of really feeling that if I can learn how to push those party bookings and recruitments, I could make this my full-time job. That'd be nice!

well, it's something

since there don't seem to be any prospective employers pounding down my door, I finally decided that enough was enough. "i'm taking my life into my own hands," i said to myself. so...i got conned into selling chocolate. as in, a kind of edible tupperware party. the more i think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds and is. but at least it gives me some kind of goal (sales goals...money goals), it gives me something to do at least once a week, and now i can worry about this for a while instead of worrying about what's so wrong with me that i can't find a normal job.

i also called the adult learning center in nashua to see if i could be a volunteer tutor. i hope i get called back soon about it.

i'm continuing my daily employment search, of course, but at least i feel like i have some purpose now. i just wish it wasn't in-home sales. but hey, if i can make 200 dollars at a 2 hour party, i'll probably be singing a different tune.

shmiking

first, may i please start with this: http://www.buycostumes.com/Eight-Is-Too-Much-Adult-Wig/65620/ProductDetail.aspx ?

do what you will with it. courtney, my electrologist, told me about it and i just had to find it online. now i have given you this awesome gift, dear readers.

in other news, i've been biking like crazy! well, okay maybe not like crazy, but a lot more than usual. yesterday i rode my bike to aubrey's, the day before that i rode around the neigborhood for about 8 miles, and i've been trying to get to lyndsay's house every now and again for bike rides. ah, it's fun. i'm especially happy about the rack on the back of the bike, because i could strap down a little satchel of clothes and stuff--perfect for bringing all of my shower things and a change of clothes to aubrey's! good stuff.

food-wise, i've been off the ball a little bit. today back to point counting.

great, great, great!

if you couldn't tell from the title of this post, yesterday was a fairly fantastic day.

1. i got my bike!! it's in beautiful condition now, and it is a new rack on the back of it so i can carry things like baskets of picnic food or groceries or flowers. i am obviously a bicycle-basket-romanticizer, but come on. all things are possible with baskets attached to your bike.

2. i exercised twice! i went to the gym and did a fairly traditional, boring workout of treadmill and stairs, some resistance training, and some modified yoga stretching. later, after dinner, i went to lyndsay's and we went for a short bike ride (2.2 miles...not much on a bike, but there were some uphills, so all was not lost).

3. i ate well, and was never dissatisfied! because i was busy all day with things here and there, i never had much time to sit down and think about how bored i was. as a result, i didn't snack at all, and the meals i chose were healthy (except dinner, which was pancakes. but since pancakes are so delicious, i didn't mind).

4. i discovered i have lost 2.5 pounds in the last week and a half! this is exciting news.

and even though there was a sad point in my day (ripping open the envelope from the school i applied to for the position of guidance assistant and finding myself rejected...i didn't know they did rejection letters in the world of work), i used it as ammunition to fuel my desire for stability in all other areas.

points: 29 (2 over, i blame the pancakes)
exercise: 4 points, or about 50 minutes.

sunday funday

well...not completely fun. after visiting my grandmother i waited around for a few hours before any plans solidified, which meant i had time to sit in my room and organize stuff. it could have taken all of a half hour if i could just focus, but i couldn't, so it took longer and became more annoying. now the pile is gone from my floor, though, and the final box is emptied! now i just have to clear off the stuff from my desk, and my room will be clean! of course, it has taken three weeks for me to get to this point...and as i look around right now, i see something else that needs to get done before my room is "clean." ugh. oh well.

as far as food is concerned, yesterday was kind of pell-mell. i had a decent breakfast of cereal and milk, then we went to my grandmother's where i had two small blueberry muffins (i hadn't eaten lunch and i couldn't find the strength to eat only one). after that i came home and found i was still hungry for lunch, so i had another bowl of cereal and milk. then until dinner i just kept nibbling...a peach, about 10 marshmallows, a pudding snack cup, some goldfish...but after dinner happened i was pretty much done (except for the cheese curls that found their way into my lap later in the night). i really need to work on snacking less. the snacks are my boredom/frustration food...when i don't have anything to do, or don't know what i want to do, or when i'm waiting around for something to happen, i just eat whatever is in sight. that needs to stop, methinks.

exercise: none. lyndsay invited me for a bike ride but my bike isn't back from the shop yet. hopefully it will be today!

beach time, beach food

lovely, LOVELY day at the beach yesterday! i was so happy that i got to meet up with brooke and enjoy some quality time doing one of the things i love best: "swimming" in the ocean. the water wasn't even that cold! it was, i might even argue, kind of warm compared to the last beach day i had (three weeks ago in ogunquit...very windy, very VERY cold water). i will live within biking distance to the ocean someday.

of course, with the beach comes (dun dun duuunnn) beach food. delicious, greasy, fatty, fried beach food. here's what i wanted: a fried dough, ice cream, deep fried oreos, fudge, Sal's pizza, an italian sausage sub, richie's italian ice.

the good news is, here's what i actually got: a single slice of veggie pizza (greasy, yes), a small fat-free frozen yogurt (i only ate half!), a caramel apple. in between i ate goldfish crackers and an applesauce. now, it still does seem like a lot of bad food, BUT...compared to what it could have been, well, i think it was a beach success.

exercise: walking around a lot to and from the beach to get said snacks, cavorting in the water for hours.
points: (rough estimate) 39. that's 12 OVER my daily allowance, BUT i have 35 weekly points that i can pull from, and the excess is only because i had papa gino's for dinner at 10:30 when i was starving and should have gone to bed but didn't. for a true vacation day, i don't think it was all that bad.

doctor's office

so, yesterday i went with my mom in the morning to take care of my grandmother for the day. it's not so bad when she isn't complaining the whole time about how nobody lets her eat (it's sad...she forgot she ate breakfast, and since she has diabetes her food is pretty regulated, so my mom couldn't let her have anything else. she fought with my mom for like ten minutes about how everyone is trying to starve her to death). after a hilarious lunch (she kept telling me my shirt was too revealing, and as a result, kept putting her hands down my shirt or on my boobs. "how can i help it," she asked, "when they're right in my face?!") we went to the doctor with her.

i didn't exercise yesterday. it was so damn hot, and i felt tired after taking care of the grandmother. i ate 29 points, which is 2 over my point allotment. it's because i had doritos with dinner. ah well.

for the most part, though, i made good choices with food all day, so i was happy with myself about that.

today i'm going to look at a craigslist bike for $150 down the street, which is very exciting! i'm also waiting for lisa to come pick me up from manchester. she's a half hour late, which is good, because i had time to do my hair. bad, because i'm hungry and want lunch. i think i'm going to have a salad for lunch today.

that's all! i'm in a pretty happy mood.

it's not a diet.

back to counting ww points, and this time (as always, but not really) i mean it for real.

for many people, weighing what i currently weigh would be a wake-up call. no, i should rephrase that. if they suddenly woke up one day and weighed what i weigh, it would be a moment of all-out anxious panic. when a friend told me she was nearing the 25o mark this week, all i could think about was that it isn't so hard to get there, really. people gasp at numbers, and can't imagine how a person could become, say, 800 pounds. well, i'll tell you right now, it's really easy to get to 200, so i can only imagine how simple it is to pack on 600 more.

basically what i'm saying is that my "wake-up call" was not so much the thought that i don't want to end up like my friend, but the thought that there are people out there who don't want to end up like me.

and this is not to say i feel bad for myself, or feel like some kind of victim of culture. i just feel i need to get real with a number of things: goals, performance, and persistence. in the joyous nature of turning over a new leaf, i now present you with the following information:

1. this blog is about to be taken over by my food and exercise habits.
2. i might even occasionally talk about my clothes.

in addition, i'm going to lay it all out right now, my hopes for myself and some realistic goals.

1. My first goal is to lose ten percent of my body weight. That's about 20 pounds.
2. My second goal is to stop comparing myself to everyone else (fatter and thinner alike). It's not helpful. Everyone is different.
3. My third goal is to make positive decisions every day. It could be the decision to spend five more minutes on the treadmill, or it could be the decision to start sewing a new project.
4. My fourth, and for now final, goal is to stop judging myself when I make choices that might not be the wisest. There's no need to constantly feel guilty, bad, upset, disgusting, or what have you when I see the size of my pants, or when I choose to eat a cookie, or when I see pictures of myself. It is what it is. I'll be a lot happier if I can just take all that as motivation, instead of as more reasons to hate myself.

That's all.

Exercise today: 30 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes weight-train.
Points: 19.5, 7.5 left.

ahem.

my room is ALMOST totally unpacked and clean! it has only taken me a few weeks. I just have a few more piles of stuff to go through. then, i need to go through all my teaching stuff and file it away in some kind of organized manner. then i will be done! and home indefinitely.

pluses of moving back home: there are always people around who will do stuff with you. there's almost always something to do or someone to see. you can go to the gym with your sister or your mom. you might run into people you know at the library (it happened!). you can kind of take your time.

minuses of moving back home: all your stuff (kitchen, bath, den) is in your bedroom. you still feel like there's a curfew, even if there technically isn't. it is expected that your job will be to help your brother with homework. you are routinely grilled about what your life plans are. you feel like you always want to get out.

still, i'm happy to be here, at least for now.

new formula

okay, now that people are starting to get jobs, i need to really up the ante.

i applied for a job as a guidance assistant at a local high school. i am seriously serious about this job. i know i can do it, and do it well. all i have to do is get an interview. my new formula for application included: physically printing out a copy of resume, cover letter, and references, then putting them in a really nice resume folder, putting that into a really nice envelope, and sending it via snail mail. i think that will get more attention than email.

also, i reworked the ol' cover letter to sound more assertive. i told the vice principal i would call him next week, instead of just asking him to consider calling me back.

we'll see what happens, but i think i would really enjoy that job. it's a lot of one-on-one contact with kids doing study skills and helping with homework, and basically doing the stuff that guidance doesn't really have time to do. one-on-one is where i shine! hopefully THIS one works out.

i've been calling the other places i apply to, but every time i call i either get voicemail or the response that they don't accept follow up calls because of the high applicant volume. it's hard to get an edge on people when there are hundreds of others applying for the same jobs as you!

uncertainty abounds

what's today? the 15th? that puts us smack in the middle of July, and only about two weeks away from move-out-of-dover day. here are some things that are floating through my mind, at the mome:

1. i hate moving. i'm not the only one. i read some statistic about how some ridiculously large number of people rate moving as their number one most hated thing. i would consider myself a member of that group. i mostly hate it because it involves a lot of cleaning of stuff you don't normally see (stuff that gets shoved under your bed, for example, or dust bunnies that accumulate behind desks and under side-tables). i'm going to have to do a lot of dusting. the other reason i hate it is because as of now, i have nowhere to put a lot of that stuff.

2. leading to my number two thought for the day: i'm bummed about moving back home. it's great that my parents are welcoming me and all my stuff, and it's awesome that i have my room still and that my parents will feed me and house me and they love me. but...there's a lot of tension that is involved with living with your family--tension you don't usually notice until you stay there for more than a week. that, my friends, is tension i don't want any part of. it will be great to save up for things like cars, dental work, and loan payments, but at the end of the day, i think i'm going to be pretty stressed. and there isn't a bathroom in the basement.

3. i'm beginning to think my resume must need help. i mean, i'm a highly qualified professional, and i've been sending my resume out like crazy. i need to make some follow-up calls (even though a few places i've called don't "do phone calls"), but i'm starting to feel like maybe my resume is going to the bottom of the pile for some reason. i need to investigate.

4. the weather is gorgeous, i'm going away for the weekend, and i still feel kind of like a failure because i graduated in may and it's been almost two months and i still don't have a job. i know it's a bad time to be looking for one, and i know i shouldn't expect every place to want me, and i also know that sometimes it takes many months. i'm just impatient because...

5. i'm so freaking bored. i enjoy doing nothing, typically. i don't have a problem watching tv all day. i like lounging at the beach just reading a book. i've been making a lot of ice cream and looking into a lot of new recipes. i visit farmers markets. but when everyone else has a job, or isn't around, it gets kind of lonely doing all that stuff by yourself. and i spend time every day researching new cars and cell phones, looking at clothes online, etc., etc., and you can't get that stuff without money. so, i'm trying to make whatever i have last as long as i can, and that means doing a lot of nothing. and that's...boring.


that's all. i've just been feeling a little down lately. but at least the sun is out! and at least i'm going away this weekend! so that's nice.

another win! but then, maybe not.

so interview went well. i have to say, the atmosphere at nashua community college was somewhat more...grim...than i had anticipated. i knew two year schools would be different, but i wasn't quite prepared for the "we'll hire just about anything that breathes" mentality that the woman who interviewed me (the head of the humanities dept.) seemed to have. after telling me for some time about how they used to have five required papers in college comp., but now they only have four, she asked me just TWO questions: 1. what do i do when there is a kid in my class who obviously doesn't want to be there? and 2. why do i like teaching?

that was it. i answered her, and she seemed satisfied. she looked at my undergraduate transcript and noted, "ah, i see you took a british lit class! you could probably teach it here, then." well yes, i am an english lit major...i took MANY british lit classes. most notably in my graduate career, not really undergraduate. she didn't even bother looking at my UNH transcript, even though i gave it to her. the fact that i had a b.a. seemed to be reason enough.

anyway so i "got the job" and can have two sections of college comp and two of brit lit if i want them...BUT here's the rub: each 4 credit class pays 2200. each 3 credit pays 1700. meaning i would be making somewhere around 8,000 dollars for the semester, which works out to be about 16,000 a year. and benefits are naturally not included (this i already knew). i can't take this job if i want money, which is, after all, what i want. second job? sure. primary career? absolutely out of the cards. '

but i already knew that about adjuncting. whatever. it's another interview under my belt, i guess.

interview postponed

as the title suggests, my interview has been postponed until monday morning. good, because i need to hem the pants of the suit i bought the other day. and find brown shoes to wear with it. bad, because heck, i just want to get it over with. and maybe have a job.

i helped alexa moved a lot of her stuff out of the house yesterday. that was kind of sad. now our house looks a lot less house-y. :( she was the one with all the decorations!

interview!

i have an interview on thursday morning at the community college in nashua! on the one hand, sad that it's not around dover. on the other hand, YAY job interview! it's just an adjunct position (no bennies, sadly), but hey, it's a job. i can pick up a shift at starbucks or blockbuster for insurance, i suppose. maybe i would be able to afford an apartment! that would be so amazing. i would be like, a real adult. i know i shouldn't jump the gun, but i can't help being excited.

:)

i let the car be the deciding factor

so, i'm not doing americorps after all. the timing just isn't right. my car is about to collapse on itself, and i can't be two hours away without any kind of transportation to get to work or to get home. it just wouldn't work, especially in the winter.

but someday!

in response to brooke, the relay went well! it was tiring, but fun and well worth-it. they made 87,000 dollars at our event alone, and they were holding TONS of them throughout the country the same weekend and the weekend before. so, it's a good thing.

in other news, i either have a partially blocked tear duct or conjunctivitis. i went to the clinic today and i've started on antibiotics so that either way i'm covered by the time friday rolls around. nobody has to worry about catching it, if that's even what it is. who knows. all i know is that it's really annoying and i just want it to go away.

relay tonight

this evening is the Relay for Life at alvirne and i have to admit...i'm kind of dreading it. from 6 pm until 10 am we'll just be walking and chilling, which sounds like a grand old time, but i really can't stand about 3/4 of the people on our team so i think it's going to be a bit like torture. not to mention the next day, instead of sleeping, i have to go to a graduation party and a recital. i might have to rethink a couple of those things.

the PORT center in freeport called me today, and it sounds like (i let them leave a message) i might have the recommendation if i want it. getting jobs is scarier than not getting them...ahhh, the great unknown. but it's FREEPORT, which is so cute, and it's on the water, and it sounds like pretty much the best job ever, and even though it's volunteering and i don't make any money, all the things i'll get to do will look good on my resume.

the ONE hitch is that my car is seriously on its last leg. today i'm going to bring it to jiffy lube (ha, almost spelled it "loob") to get the transmition flushed, or whatever they do, but seriously, it's totally a piece of garbage. ugh. that's the one thing i'm trying to figure out. like, will it last me another year? i just do not know. but i'm trying not to let the car be my deciding factor.

good day/ bad day

i'll do bad day first:

so, sims will never work on my computer. ever. why? because my video/graphics card thing is only 64 MB. guess how much sims needs? 128. that's right. my computer is probably the only computer made in the last five years with less than 128 MB for this. i'm BEYOND angry. or at least, i was. i'm kind of at peace with it now, even though i've just made all these improvements to my computer for no reason. at least i can rest well knowing i've just made it possible for my computer to last like five years longer...although, what's the point, if you can't play games on it? 

now i have to make the decision about whether to sell the game, or keep it and just play it on OTHER PEOPLE'S COMPUTERS. of course, the only time i ever want to play is when i'm ALONE, so this doesn't really add up. but i can't bear to get rid of it just yet... i just loved it so much. so, so much.

good day:

yesterday i had two really great interviews with people from two different AmeriCorps sites. After the first one the woman called back an hour later and said, "Well we still are supposed to interview more people but we just have such a GREAT feeling about you! We just want you here working with us!" and that, of course, felt really nice. i've been feeling like a total loser with no future, so it was nice to hear someone thought i sounded like a great candidate for something. the second interview that day went really well, also, and to be honest i'd rather have the second than the first, but it's nice to have an option. i'm still a little torn about a paying job versus volunteer job, but i really think AmeriCorps will help me get some skills on the ol' resume.  i DO need a new car though...and the interest on my private loans just keeps piling up. but, that debt will ALWAYS be there. it's not like it's going to go away in a year anyway, so what's the difference, really? besides, the one i want is in freeport, which is a nice little town. and it sounds like a sweet little job (just me and the supervisor and that's IT, and she was pretty great on the phone, and i'd get to do exciting things like GRANT PROPOSAL WRITING and HANGING OUT WITH KIDS ALL DAY and GOING ON FEILD TRIPS). so...yes. i don't know still. but that second one is sounding mighty good.

that's all. that's my current update. oh, and i got some stuff from the battises today for the yard sale. AND mr. and mrs. battis told me i could have the blue chair that's in the garage, so YAY! they joked that there might be mice...i sincerely hope that this is truly joshing... :/. ha.

today is a better day

last night was awful. i pretty much cried myself to sleep stressing out about finding a job. what i woke up today and realized (thanks to a long conversation with pete) is that it isn't really a race. i have a family that loves me very much and wants me to do well. they will help me out if i need it, and they will do whatever it takes to make sure i'm happy. that is such a giant blessing, and one that in all my angst i took for granted.

that said, i do have a lot of stressful things on my plate at the moment (where will i live after july? what will i be doing? what else needs to be done for this anniversary party? where else should i be sending my resume? who hasn't r.s.v.p.'d yet? will we raise enough money at the yard sale for the relay?) it doesn't mean i have to flip out about it constantly. i'm going to make the conscious decision to take it one step at a time.

also, my wonderful father let me know about a woman (mrs. bancroft...jim's mom) he knows who works at the local community college and said she was looking for adjuncts. so, even though adjuncts don't lead the best life (no bennies, for example) it is a step in the right direction, i think. i sent her an email with my resume about five minutes ago.

and today i bought the operating system i needed for sims! so now i can play!

and i have two interviews for americorps positions on thursday. one i'm not sure i want, but we'll see how it goes.

so, my life is not that bad. in fact, it isn't bad at all. :)

perspective, perspective, perspective.

buzz word: qualified

i am tired, so this will be short. i just felt the need to post because it's been a while.

i did not get the librarian job. they didn't even call me. they just sent me an email that said i had neither the experience nor the qualifications. actually, i kind of prefer this email, because it doesn't make me feel bad about myself at all. it just makes me think i wasn't qualified, which is probably a little untrue, but still a quantitative...rather than qualitative...reason. i feel it wasn't because i'm a terrible person, or worse, a stupid one. just under-qualified. i can take that. this was a repetitive paragraph. i won't change it.

now i'm waiting on one final transcript so i can submit it to the local private high school. i stupidly told someone i know (who has a master's in education (i didn't know this!) and has also been teaching at a high school for four years and is looking for a new job) and now he says we will be "competitors." i said it's only competition if both people have a chance. next to him, i am pretty much right out. so maybe he'll forget about it and i can apply without worrying. i mean, i know there are going to be lots of other people vying for this job, but i don't like it when i know them... especially when i know they are much more highly qualified than myself.

and finally, i had my americorps VISTA preliminary interview today and it went well, so that made me feel good about myself. at least it will be a job for a year that will look good on resumes and hopefully teach me some valuable skills (so that i will finally feel qualified?). not to mention volunteering is just plain good for society. but...it would be nice to also pay some bills. i don't know. my feelings of inadequacy are bubbling to the surface--i feel like a total loser.

and to add to my loseryness, i just bought sims 3! it is AMAZING (you can finally make people evil), but it does not run on my computer. what? that's right. my operating system is one too old...so now i'm thinking about buying a new one. not a new computer! just a new OS. but i'm torn about that, too, because the current one (leopard) is about to get an update (snow leopard) and because it's stupid mac, nobody knows when or how soon. everyone just says it's coming in the next few weeks or so. in the meantime, i can't play my game (unless i install it on someone else's computer...which i did. but it ran really slow on brooke's because she already had a lot of stuff on her computer. so. i don't know. it was great to use it. but obviously brooke needs her computer). wah wah wah. i just want to build an evil empire.

new leaf!

okay, okay, okay.

it's time for a positive outlook, and some positive changes! there's a library position in Derry that I might apply to; it sounds really interesting and fulfilling. I also need to send the guy in Portland all my Americorps information.

And I really, REALLY know I want to go back to school and get my MLS (Master's in Library Science), perhaps with a concentration in school libraries or archives. Its what I wanted to do two years ago, and it turns out, it's still what I want to do. My English Master's was, I think, a necessary stop on the road to my library future. Sometimes a person and their profession are just destined to be together, I think, and even if it takes me and my profession years to come together, that'll be okay. Being a librarian would fulfill everything: my need to educate and enlighten, my love of organized books, my passion for literature, and my obsession with everything involving research. You know you love research when JSTOR is on your facebook favorites. I think it's meant to be. Someday, somehow, it will happen.

on to more important things...

okay then. grade breakdown as i have it so far:

"B" on final paper in grammar (which i am MAD about, because she said it would have been an "A" paper if i'd followed the assignment more closely. i'm mostly mad because that is something i would say to one of my own students if they wrote a good paper that didn't have anything to do with the prompt).

"A" on the final paper in victorian lit (which is a HUGE relief because i was getting nervous).

and i'm still unsure about the shakespeare one. i'm still pretty nervous about that one, because it's supposed to be my "extended seminar" master's paper (and it was only 23 pages...). so, extended it isn't, but hopefully it's good enough for at least an "A-."

i worked on my resume for a while yesterday, adding in a decent objective and summary. i never had a summary before, maybe that was part of my problem. so now, we'll see. i just haven't found any normal job that sounds even remotely interesting, and i know that sounds stupid and stuck-up, but i can't help it. so, if i don't find anything that i'd be willing to apply for in the next week or so, i'm going to start applying for the americorps stuff i think sounds great.

and that's that.

done? done!

well, all right then. it seems that all my papers are finished. hm. it still doesn't feel like it's really over yet. i guess it will feel real once i have a job, and am wishing for the days when i was stressing out about papers.

i have to say, i was not stressed on friday while i was writing a good 2/3 of my paper. no, i was pretty happy just sitting in the library doing my research. it felt good to feel good about it. i only got 23 pages, but you know what? i'm not worried. i think those pages are pretty quality. and besides, with my works cited it comes to 25, so i'm happy.

now we'll just see when grades come in. but i'm pretty proud of my little rosalynd paper. and my little arthur conan doyle paper. AND my little grammar paper.

now i just have the grammar final exam on monday, and that's the end.

hm, i have mixed feelings. :)

but at least the being done called for a celebration, so pete and i went to hampton beach and got blink's frydoe (a.k.a. fried dough) and slush puppies. "yum" is all i have to say to that.

2/3!

it feels weird to be so close to the end!

still have to finish this paper on rosalynd by friday at 5.

i don't think it's sunk in yet.

...now what?

mere days

hello, followers of my life. i have excellent news for you! i have officially handed in 1 out of the 3 final papers due this week. i wash my hands of it! now, on to round 2: grammar. i think it's going to work out fine, and i think mary clark is going to like it. it's my plan to finish that one up today, as well. that will mean i have wed, thurs, and friday before 5 to finish the one about rosalynd. and, i didn't tell you this, but people at school were really digging my presentation on rosalynd, so that is definitely a good sign. i'm happy now to have a direction.

in short, i feel so much better about everything. if i could just figure out how to be less of a procrastinator, i would really apply for phD programs. the reason i end up hating things is because i wait until the last minute. that's really the truth. right now? i love being an english literature person! i love reading, and i really do enjoy writing about that reading. it's just the deadlines that kill me; the feeling that i'm writing into an academic void. i don't know. i do like it. it just doesn't like me.

:)

p.s. i'm going to guest-blog on the fashion site in july!!! YIPPERS!

boring, i know

so, yes, my school work has been taking over my life, which is why i talk about nothing else. but i promise, it will all be over soon!

i am happy to report that i will definitely be done with five pages of my shakespeare essay by monday night. i think that means it will be about 20% done! the final is due on the 15th. this is good news.

want to know something else that's great? i went to my victorian lit prof, and he said my paper about arthur conan doyle/sherlock holmes/piltdown man hoax (look it up, it's fun) is pretty much fine as is, so that means i don't have to do much to it before i hand it in on tuesday. this is more good news.

and finally, i, against my better judgement, requested to be a guest blogger on the fashion/eating blog T Minus T Plus!

so, i kind of hope she says yes, but that will absolutely mean I have to pick out some crazy cute outfit that is also flattering. um, i am excited at the prospect. i must say, i think my outfit today is pretty darn cute. i like my polka-dotted shirt.

oh! and more fun news: i went shopping today and bought a really cute skirt. i don't ever wear skirts (mostly for the chub-rub factor: all that thigh rubbing is painful), but it was 9.99 at this store in dover and it fit, so i couldn't pass it up. okay, i'm just blabbing now because i don't want to finish my presentation. but i need to get most of it done, so i can go see star trek tonight, and then go see my mother tomorrow, without feeling bad.

procrastination rears its ugly head

i know this is exactly what i post at the end of EVERY semester, but it seems even more hopeless this time around. of course everything will get done, because it has to get done, but i just really, really don't want to do it. two of my papers are going great: grammar and victorian lit. i like writing them, they are interesting, and best of all, fairly short (both around 10 pages). i feel like i'm doing worthwhile work in them, and that feels really good.

but this other paper? it's going to be the death of me. it's for shakespeare class, it's my "extended seminar paper" which is the equivalent of a master's paper only shorter, so it counts a lot, and i just cannot get motivated to start it. why? because i hate the topic. i just really don't care about literacy in renaissance england, or how that pertains to thomas lodge's rosalynd. nobody else cares about it either (when i told my prof. what i was thinking of doing, he said, "well, that's not really my area of interest, and i don't really think anyone else is doing that, so, i guess go for it.") all in all, he is not particularly interested in it, and neither am i. it's making writing it far more difficult. in addition, alexa was talking to him the other day (they are buddies, he's a young prof teaching his first graduate class), and he totally admitted that he was lazy, hadn't graded a bunch of our other stuff, and he has papers he needs to write that aren't written yet. basically this could work in one of two ways: the first way is that it could be fantastic! he has all this other work to do, he doesn't particularly care about my paper anyway, and he doesn't have time to grade it. this turns into a good grade for me, because he just has no idea what's going on. the OTHER way it could go, though, is that he feels that he has to compensate for his laziness by taking it out on us via grading system. he might get lost in the nit-picky because he doesn't know much about my topic, and give me a bad grade because he's bored.

UGHHHHH. two weeks. two weeks. two weeks. and it's done.

spring!

spring is here for real! there are leaves on the trees, flowers in the dirt, and bugs in the air. everything is bursting with life and color! it feels really great.

you know what else feels really great? i tried on my cap and gown the other day...and it felt good. oh, it felt good. i get a velvety white stripe on my hood! it's really exciting. now, if i could just get all the work done, i'd rest assured that the cap and gown won't go to waste.

ugh

too.

damn.

hot.



i mean, it's april for goodness sakes! blargh.

it's beginning to look a lot like...finals?

it's that time of semester again! a time for laughter, tears, anxiety, and self-hatred. today i spent about twelve hours trying to write a ten page paper about something i do every single day: commenting on students' writing. i'm writing a paper for grammar class about the language of teacher comments and whether or not they actually do anything (and whether the language has anything to do with them). it is surprisingly hard to write. i figured i'd be done in about four hours. well, since i've probably REALLY only worked on in for, say, six, i'm still behind. i've only got five pages! the problem is, at its heart, this paper is really a sociology paper, and i'll be darned if these aren't harder to write than regular english papers!

i feel like an utter moron staring at the screen, reading and re-reading what i've got, trying to just b.s. my way to ten pages. anyway, i want to get this as done as i can tonight, so that it's out of my life and i can worry about my other papers.

new to-do:
1. finish grammar project (that's this)
2. begin shakespeare (presentation due the 11th, final due the week after)
3. begin victorian lit (another paper only 8-10 pages, but i think that one will be tough, also). Presentation next tuesday, final due the 15th).

and then? HOME FREE. :) :) :)

rainy day

i thought today it was supposed to rain, so i put on one thing.

then, it was sunny and hot for a while, so i changed, and put on another thing.

then, a few hours later, i came out of school and it was raining and cold; the second thing i put on proved a poor shield.

new england weather is so curious!




side note: i have 20 papers to grade tonight. that deserves a big "WAH."

after swearing off cookies...

i don't know why i bother saying i won't eat cookies, when clearly, i like cookies. who DOESN'T, i ask you? your obvious answer shall demonstrate my point (unless you say, "nobody," in which case, you are sadly misinformed). right. so i did okay all weekend, and then today i was stressed, and though not at all hungry, wanted to eat a cookie. so i bought one. and while at the counter, well, i also bought a bag of peanut butter m&m's. i did not eat the whole bag, but i did eat about half. well, now i have heartburn as a reminder of why i should only eat these types of goodies in moderation.

my goal is to fit into that sundress again. i wore it a year ago at pete's graduation party, and there's pretty much no reason that it shouldn't fit me now. so, i hereby declare, it shall fit again!

i need to swallow my pride and go back to weight watchers. it's not like i hate myself when i go (on the contrary, i rather like myself), but now that it's been about 3 months of not going, i fear the scale. i need to get over it. this thursday, i'm back in the swing.

friday

finally friday, and finally nice out! i'm totally digging the good weather. i can't wait for the flowers to start blooming in earnest, especially flowering trees! that's always the prettiest, methinks. i wonder if they've got any flowers on the trees at home yet...

hm, i have to stay at school an extra three hours today to meet with some kid about his paper. i'm not looking forward to it, though it'll give me a chance to catch up on Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which i have to read by tuesday and which, as usual, i've only barely started. so far so good, though.

i'm also trying to decide whether i should go down to pete's tonight or not. he's going to a big party tonight and he's bringing punch. i would really like to go. i think, let's me serious, it's not like i'm going to do work on a friday night, anyway. yeah, i'll probably go.

also, i really, REALLY want the following two things: Paul Taylor handmade-to-order sandals ($275) and a Nissan Cube (approx. $13, 995).

five more weeks?

something like that, anyway. the end is certainly nearing! how nerve-wracking! today's post will be a to-do list of things that need to get done before the end of the semester. i think it will make me feel better. they are in no particular order.

1. write grad paper: "literacy in thomas lodge's rosalynd" 25-30 pgs.
2. write victorian lit paper: "something about fairies and the guy who wrote sherlock holmes" 10 pgs.
3. write grammar paper: "how teacher comments affect student writing" 10 pgs.
4. final grammar exam
5. grade the research paper for my class
6. grade the persuasive paper for my class
7. read Tess of the D'Urbervilles
8. read The Winter's Tale

bother bother

so, i don't want this to be monday. but what else is new? i have to finish "king lear" today before 5:1o. perfectly do-able, i just don't feel like it.

i had a perfectly annoying conversation with pete last night about how, if we were to get married, we would deal with the fact that i like my traditional catholic services, and he likes his contemporary non-denominational ones. it feels like the only good solution would be for us to meet halfway: traditional protestant services. on the one hand, this bothers me (but i really can't say why...i'm just being selfish, probably), on the other hand, it actually doesn't bother me much (i just went to a United Church of Christ service for palm sunday and was so moved i almost cried). maybe i'm just afraid that my parents will hate me if my children aren't catholic. i know that isn't true, but sometimes it's just an irrational fear. i don't want my kids to feel left out (but is that a bad reason for making a decision one way or the other?) i don't even HAVE KIDS, so i don't know why this is bothering me so much lately. i'm also not getting married anytime soon. bah. i'm just an Anxious Annie...always.

aaand that's my life right now. gotta take a shower, go meet trevor the robot for a conference, then finish king lear.

tower of power

today is april 3rd! that means the following things are happening:

1. ALLYSON'S BIRTHDAY! i wish she was around so i could hug her. :(

2. tower of power concert tonight at the hampton beach casino ballroom. pete is very, very excited.

3. party at my house for incoming/accepted students to unh for next year.


numbers 2&3 mean i'm going to have a busy day, what with all the cleaning before the party, and all the cleaning after it. i just hope people aren't rowdy and throw up on things. i don't know these people...who knows what they're capable of! i do know that my vacuum is broken and our rug is very sandy and dirty from the winter... whatever. they're a bunch of poets and fiction writers, which means their houses are probably a lot grosser than mine ever will be. but i definitely have to clean the bathroom (which...let's face it...is one of my favorite things).

mhm. that's all. roommate went to go get her license this morning. i wonder if she'll pass the driving test. we'll see in not too long, methinks!

ugh, i don't want to go to school today. if i can find cash maybe i'll drive in. i just don't feel like waiting for the bus today.

last day of spring break

so, sigh sigh sadness, spring break is over today. it's our one week of vacation the entire semester, and it's coming to a close. now, only eight (count 'em!) eight weeks left of graduate school. i'm just excited to wear a fancier gown at this graduation (i mean, i'll have a hood and bigger sleeves...what more could you want?).

i got the alice paper back, and i did get a good grade. that was quite a relief, but i still have two more papers to write in that class before the semester is over. i'll also have to take two more tests in grammar and write my extended seminar paper in shakespeare. if eight weeks feels long now (and oh, it feels LONG), time is going to fly by with all that work. luckily it's not all due the last week of school, even though some of it is, and that means the possibilities for procrastination are reduced.

and what about after? well, i sent an email to the lady who runs the volunteers at the dover adult education center and she is sending me a packet with some info and an application to volunteer there this spring. i read something on one those "get a job" websites that said if you want a job in a nonprofit (which i think i would) you have to show that you care enough to have volunteered already. this makes perfect sense, so i'm adding that to my long list of to-do's in the last 8 weeks of school. i don't mind because it will be a chance for me to do three things:1. get some experience to see if i really would like it, 2. make some contacts, and 3. actually help people out. i've really felt pretty useless for the past two years and it will be nice to feel like part of a community outside of the university by taking time to help others.

long post, i know. i'm just saying that even though what's to come is going to be hard, and annoying...it won't be long before it's all over. and that will be a little bittersweet, even if i do go tapdancing out the doors of hamilton smith hall in may.

disheartening.

i still haven't heard from my prof about the alice in wonderland paper that took me forever to write. i'm pretty nervous; since he replies via email with our grades, every time i open my inbox i get nervous that there's going to be a letter from him, telling me that i failed once again to follow the assignment properly. maybe he'll just have pity on me. i ended up kind of liking my paper in the end, but then once i passed it in i hated it again. so anyway, i'm just a ball of nerves until it comes back. it only counts for 20% of my grade, but still.

i will say, though, that last night was great! this has been the longest week ever, yes, but last night i just chatted with brooke and sarah for a while at their house (brooke fed me pea soup, which was delicious), then went with sarah to the pub. we met up with a few others and i befriended this fantastic girl named julie whose dad works at st. mike's. we have much in common (including confusion over why we're even in grad school...) so it was fun to just commiserate with someone instead of having all these uptight english grad students making you feel like a failure because you haven't applied to any PhD programs. ugh. the life of an academic.

like old times

hm, sometimes living with the roommate is a lot like living with thida, from lowell general.

here is a quote:

"i just bought my car, you know, not thinking that it might cost me money after the initial purchase."

mmmmhhhmmmmm.

worst paper ever

as usual, i'm experiencing the need to do everything online that does NOT involve writing my paper, because i am a procrastinator.

the paper is about Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and how she views food as her right (she is always taking other people's food), and also a means to an end (to make her change shape). I have no idea where to go from there. So, I'm just tootling along, trying to find something that makes sense.

I should get back to it, but I just wanted to complain for a few.

On the plus side, my prayers were answered! We had a snow day today, so I have no excuse for putting off my work.

new shoes!

so, i hope i get these before it's supposed to be bad weather again. i just bought a pair of those hiking/walking/rugged/kind of boots-but-sneakers things. i was seriously considering getting a pair of those olive green ones with orange accents (since every shoe company makes a pair, it seems), but i just didn't feel like it was me. i'm not that earthy. so, i went for purple and blue (agh, loser).



i'm going to try to post a picture here, because i think they are really cute.

blogs

i like reading other people's blogs. i wonder how some of them get so popular? probably because they have a purpose beyond just informing people about their daily goings-on. so, in an apparent move to remain completely anonymous on the internet, i will describe my daily goings-on:

1. haha (in the meanest way possible): roommate bought a used 1990 volvo 24o, thinking that it would solve all her problems because volvos are so incredibly awesome and never break (according to her). she got a quote for the inspection and it needs a LOT of work...$700 worth. don't tell me your used car is the shit. i have one, and i know, a used car is a used car is a used car, even if it is a volvo.

2. teehee: every now and then i spend the entire bus ride to school dreaming about what me and pete's babies will look like. today my imaginary babies looked especially cute. if that is not the most disgusting thing i've ever said, i don't know what is.

3. boo: all my family is still in europe, and all i want to do is call them. i spend a good few minutes every day picking up the phone to dial, only to realize that nobody will answer until next week.

4. ugh: planning a 25th wedding anniversary party is AWFUL. don't ever do it if you can avoid it. actually, i think it's only awful because other people are involved. somehow it would be less terrible if i were the only one planning. is this because i am a perfectionist? no, i don't think so. micro-manager, yes; perfectionist, no. i don't care if it something gets done crappily if i do it that way, but when someone else starts taking short cuts, oh dear. basically i just wish we were going out to T-Bones with just the five of us, but it's turning into a 100-guest affair (complete with SAVE THE DATES and PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS). kill me now. on the plus side, bethany and i are making sure coconut bras will somehow be incorporated.

that was my day. or at least, that's what i thought about all day (not to mention some thoughts on english 401 planning, as well as some thinking about dracula, which we just read in victorian literature. good, good, good book.).

ugh

today was going great until i had coffee. then i felt pretty terrible.

i don't know what i do this to myself, because every time i drink coffee it upsets my stomach. on the plus side, i had really productive conferences with my students today! they are all willing to take interesting and exciting risks with their writing, which is very rewarding for a writing instructor. i wish i could post some of the drafts they've written (they're about to hand in the third draft on tuesday) because they've made some huge leaps. it's so satisfying!

also, i know someone whose dad worked at saint mike's! it was so great. i love me some saint michael's college. i miss it.

but my time at university of new hampshire grows short and i still don't know what i'm going to do, so...i should get over smc and start thinking about the future. well, i can't stop thinking about the future, and that's causing some severe anxiety in my life. blah blah. future.

at least aubrey is coming to visit tomorrow! we will go to dave spicy house and sing karaoke, and it will be grand.

and my students shall blog

in first-year english, students almost always write some kind of one week journal, just to get a feel for that kind of writing. we read excerpts from joan didion and anne frank, we talk about why people write in journals, etc.

this semester, instead of having them physically write, i'm having the create blogs. i'd say about 75% were completely resistant (which surprised me, since every one of them has a facebook...perhaps blogging has a stigma?), but i am LOVING reading them. some are really boring, some are pseudo-intellectual, but most are just what the students care to share about their days, and as a person who finds joy in the mundane (and apparently, also in voyuerism...why else would i like to know what some student in my class was doing on a saturday morning at home?), they are giving me great pleasure. i hope they continue to write in them even after next thursday is over. :)

new semester, new year, new attitude?

okay, so last semester didn't go as well as i would have liked. i still ended up with an A and an A-, but really, after reading the comments on both my papers, i'm disappointed in myself. i know i can do better, i just didn't try much until the last week of school, and that never works out.

so, i'm going to be much better this semester! i have to be, because it's the last one and i'd like to leave on a high note. i'm already doing well. i did homework today for my grammar class on friday, i started reading the book that needs to be done by monday, and i'm pretty much done planning my class tomorrow morning. i just re-organized my desk, backpack, and bags, too, so that makes me feel much better. now if only i could clean the living room (it would be a lot easier if my roommate weren't sleeping in it indefinitely), i would be on cloud 9!

actually i had a really great day today. class got out at 12, then i bought my books, took the 2:10 bus home, went to brooke's and ate some of the delicous beef stew she had cooked up, read and did homework, went to get mexican food with sarah around 6:30, then came home, chatted with pete for a few minutes, and came up here to organize. my one sadness is that i didn't make it to my weight watchers meeting tonight, but i will go tomorrow instead.

i am so excited about this year going so well already!!!